Battle Acts

Which act deserves your entertainment dollar this week?

Battle Acts for the week of December 1 through 7

Battle Act Dokken

Where & When Saturday, December 3, Marquee Theatre, $17

Strongest Selling Point The latest George Lynch replacement? The band's lawyer for the past 10 years. Okay, everybody all at once: "OBJECTION!"

Disclaimer Just because they're a former hair band from the '80s, it might lead you to think they misspelled the title of their new album, Hell to Pay.

Lyric That Says It All "So I stand here and I stare in my garden of neglect/Never noticed it before /That it's winter all the time."

Possible Grand Finale The audience is all pumped up for the real reason for tonight's show, the "Wokking with Dokken" infomercial!

Battle Act Kanye West

Where & When Friday, December 2, Dodge Theatre, $48

Strongest Selling Point Blurting out "George Bush doesn't care about black people" on live TV left cutaway presenter Chris Tucker speechless. If only it had been Tucker Carlson.

Disclaimer West's remarks put archrival 50 Cent in the dubious position of having to defend Bush, saying, "At least he's a gangsta." Makes us think the Dubya stands for Wangsta!

Lyric That Says It All "The way Kathie Lee needed Regis . . . that's the way I need Jesus."

Possible Grand Finale Jesus walks . . . onstage, in the middle of, you know, that song. The pair freestyle it, with Kanye telling Jesus, "You the man," and the Son of Man shouting back, "It is you who say I am."

Battle Act Marshall Tucker Band

Where & When Friday, December 2, and Saturday, December 3, Harrah's Ak-Chin Casino, free

Strongest Selling Point These guys heard your demands for Southern rock played with a wussy flute and never wavered. Kinda like the Three Stooges inherently knowing comedy needed cheese-grater facials.

Disclaimer Yep, the shows in the Oasis Lounge are free, but free is a relative term when you've already lost the rent money. Also, the band is not responsible for anyone using "Heard it in a love song/Can't be wrong" as a legal defense.

Lyric That Says It All "Gotta get myself back to Tennessee/Where the women and the wildcats, they both raise hell!"

Possible Grand Finale Angry fans storm the box office to complain it's just not the Marshall Tucker Band without Marshall Tucker. Then these hairsplitters spend the rest of the night wondering if Sam Hill is a person or a place.

Battle Act The Persuasions

Where & When Saturday, December 3, Scottsdale Center for the Arts, $38

Strongest Selling Point The deans of street singing are coming off a succession of a cappella tributes to the Beatles, U2, Grateful Dead, and Frank Zappa. But is Scottsdale ready for "Electric Aunt Jemima"?

Disclaimer No truth to the rumor that they're doing a Persuasions Sing the White Stripes album and firing their bass singer.

Lyric That Says It All "Boop boop doo doo, doo doo bip bip be doo hoo hooo." Something like that.

Possible Grand Finale The Persuasions beat the living crap out of the first asshole who requests "Don't Worry, Be Happy."

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