By Monica Alonzo
By Stephen Lemons
By Jason P. Woodbury
By Dulce Paloma Baltazar Pedraza
By Ray Stern
By Pete Kotz
By Monica Alonzo
By New Times
Survivor, which The Bird knows you know is the program that sends Ugly Americans to foreign countries for glorified camping trips, has already claimed the likes of Channel 5 reporter Tammy Leitner; Dobson High School alum Shii Ann Huang; cutie-pie bartender Robert Zbacnik; and now Tempe financial salesman Nick Stanbury, who stars on Survivor: Panama -- Exile Island, debuting Thursday, February 2, on CBS.
Last week's Survivor audition was packed with the usual wanna-be Gilligans, each of whom got two minutes to convince the cameras that they deserve a shot at eating bugs and getting naked for 50 million people each week. The Bird was wowed by the bizarre vaudevillian talents displayed by a Russian immigrant who read a diatribe on U.S. foreign policy; a hippy-dippy music teacher who belted Destiny's Child's "I'm a Survivor"; a former pro wrestler who did rooster calls; and a bored housewife who recited all 50 states in alphabetical order.
But this feathered fiend was rooting for Isaiah Moore, a 26-year-old waiter who confided, "I think I'm pretty enough to be on Survivor. Who wouldn't like watching me run around with my shirt off? And can I lie, cheat and backstab my way to victory? Absolutely. I do that for tips every day."
And there was ruthless hottie Aaron Wolfley, a 22-year-old geological science student at Mesa Community College who spent far too long bleating to The Bird about his devotion to Mormonism and about how he'd have no problem screwing his opponents if he becomes a Survivor contestant.
"I couldn't care less about any of the other people on the island," the good little Mormon swore. In fact, he told The Bird, the church hierarchy would probably be rooting him to victory, since they'll get a 10 percent cut of his winnings.
Next, The Bird swooped down on the posh Phoenician Resort where various nerds and brainiacs gathered to take their shot at landing a spot on Jeopardy!.
There, The Bird met Sarah King, a 19-year-old know-it-all and Arizona State University physical anthropology major who claims she bones up on her Jeopardy! trivia "with dead people, because that's who I work with." Macabre.
But The Bird's personal fave rave was 36-year-old Graham Reilly, an unemployed pharmaceutical salesman who turned up for his audition in shorts, flip-flops and a basketball jersey.
"I had a couple cocktails at the bar just to loosen myself up," Reilly bragged. "I didn't think there was a dress code today, and I'm never comfortable in a suit and tie. Maybe it'll help me stand out and get on the show. I need some money."
The Bird will take Drunken Delusions for $800, Alex.