Any Other Preguntas?

I caught your appearance on the June 19 edition of The Colbert Report. You mispronounced the Spanish word "patience." You told Colbert that the word was pacencia instead of paciencia. Why do assimilated Mexicans find Spanglish acceptable?
El Erudito

Dear Wab,
Indeed, I did appear on the pinche hilarious Colbert Report, and I did indeed translate patience as pacencia instead of the formal paciencia. But I'm not a pendejo; I merely practiced elision, the linguistic phenomenon where speakers drop consonants or vowels from words. Hispanic elites have long considered Mexicans the Eliza Doolittles of the Spanish-speaking world for their tendency to elide and epenthesize (add vowels or consonants). Elision is most common amongst the working class and poor, so any Mexican who talks that way isn't butchering the language of Cervantes; he's probably of rural stock like my parents. That's the beauty of language — it doesn't give a shit what you and other self-appointed language guardians think.

To see the Mexican on The Colbert Report, visit www.phoenixnewtimes.com.

How come Mexicans are always so damn happy? There could be 10 of them in the bed of a beat-up pickup in 100-degree heat, and they're all smiles. Are they always drunk or something?
Looking for Mexican Drinking Buddies

Dear Gabacho,
You remind me of my papi's favorite song — "El Muchacho Alegre" ("The Happy Boy"), a rancheratune popularized by Francisco "El Charro" Avitia that begins, "Yo soy el muchacho alegre/Que me amanezco cantando/Con mi botella de vino/Y mi baraja jugando" ("I'm the happy boy/That wakes up singing/With my bottle of wine/And playing cards"). "El Muchacho Alegre" should be the Mexican national anthem because it has everything a Mexican needs for fun: boozing, whoring, gambling, singing, gunplay, anal — what psychologists call escapism but I call Tuesday night. Besides, what's there not to be happy about, gabacho? Whether it's music, booze, gambling, work or nibbling on cricket quesadillas, we're happy at all times lest we remember life's one unfortunate wrinkle: We're Mexican.

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at garellano@ocweekly.com. And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make one up for you!