Candy Thomas

Judge Thomas O'Toole made tough-talkin' Andy Thomas a loser, but sounds like he's a big chicken, too?

Candy asserts that these poor slobs conspired to smuggle themselves. And he's using this perverted interpretation of the law as an end-run around Governor Janet Napolitano's veto back in April of a measure that would have empowered the local po-po to arrest all illegal immigrants. Since Candy can't get the law he wants democratically, he's decided to thwart the will of the people and their elected reps. Aiding him in this endeavor, of course, is goofy old Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who thinks the law green-lights his band of buffoons to arrest folks willy-nilly. So far, Joe's nabbed more than 260, the overwhelming majority of whom are alleged conspirators, not actual coyotes.

Normally, when the U.S. Border Patrol nabs an illegal, he or she is returned to Mexico relatively quickly. But now that Candy has bent the law to his own political ends, illegals face months in jail awaiting trial, felony convictions and the possibility of two and one-half years in the slammer before being deported. Natch, Maricopa County's the only county in the state enforcing the law in this fashion.

But there is some sanity around here on the subject of illegal immigration. On July 11, Judge Thomas O'Toole threw out Candy's first two conspiracy cases against Mexican nationals Antonio Hernandez Lopez and Gustavo Urbalejo Gomez, and ordered them released. Comparing illegals to people buying airplane tickets, O'Toole ruled that the prosecutor had no body of evidence with which to proceed.

Maybe we should be flattered that our county attorney, um, respects us all so much.
Fred Harper
Maybe we should be flattered that our county attorney, um, respects us all so much.

Lawyer Timothy Agan, who jousts with Loser Boy's prosecutors as part of the County Legal Advocate's Office, cautions that O'Toole's ruling applies only in this particular case. In other words, it sets no legal precedent. But Agan also states that many of Candy's conspiracy cases are little more than "fortuitous traffic stops," and that he and other lawyers are busy challenging the law on different fronts.

"People can take some heart in this result," says Agan, referring to O'Toole's dismissals. "But it's not a global ruling saying that the statute is preempted by federal law, or that this is an improper interpretation and application of this human smuggling law."

Until Agan and his allies get that sort of ruling from a higher court, Candy can bring every one of these so-called conspiracy cases to trial, no matter how many he loses. That's your tax dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen, whether you like it or not. Candy doesn't give a damn.

Playa Haters

Heads up, all you P-town cads and Casanovas!

Did you know there's a Web site where jilted females can post your picture, list your name, city and state, and call you every name in the book, including "child-molester," "rapist," "wife beater," "incest king," "crack-head," and "alcoholic"? All this while the chicks can remain anonymous?

You may already be on it, playa, and not even know.

The site's called, and it was founded by ex-Miami Herald columnist Tasha Joseph. Basically, ladies who feel they've been done wrong can go off on a dude online, listing his personal info along with his snap. The site has a searchable database of 12,000 postings, 197 of which are Arizona playboys. And, yes, most of them reside in the Valley of the Sun.

Hell hath no fury like an Internet forum full of thousands of women scorned!

Not only do these offended hens out alleged cheaters, they drop dime on ex-boyfriends who they claim have STDs, never use condoms, don't change their tighty whiteys, and so on. These chicks give details: age, race, height, weight, chat room names, MySpace URLs, e-mail addresses, and where a pimp be doin' his best mackin'.

"He loves to drink his money away at a dive bar in Central Phoenix called the NewsRoom where he flirts with the bartender's daughter," reads one entry. "You may run into him at 12-step meetings," states another. An additional poster tattles, "On Friday nights sometimes Saturday, he likes to go to The Buzz in Scottsdale."

And check these disses, fellas: "He throws up his food like a white girl"; "His penis is so small he can't even please himself"; and, "He's looking for a fat ghetto broad with no education so he can feel better about himself." One profile managed to cram in the following bitch-slaps: "bisexual pansy boy," "ass-clown," "one sick deviant," "Loser Boy," "ass-hat," "Mr. Pig Vomit," "gutless, ball-less wonder," and "toxic waste of skin."

This stuff's way worse than what you'll hear on KISS-FM DJ Supersnake's "I knew you was a snake" segments. Joseph's site also reports on the fool who supposedly put crack in his girlfriend's dinner, the dude who allegedly slept with a 14-year-old girl, and a reputed perv who secretly videotapes his sexual encounters.

True, clawing through can be funnier than Adult Swim's Robot Chicken. But what if some hellacious harpy has it in for you and posts your name, personal info and pic, and falsely says you diddle little boys? Isn't that, like, libel or something?

Not according to Webmistress Joseph, who says her sweet ass is covered by the Federal Communications Decency Act: "It states that Internet service providers and Web site owners, such as myself, are not libel for the third-party postings of its users," Joseph informed The Bird. "I'm not the person making the postings. These women log on and make the postings themselves."

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