Absentee Ballad

The Mexican presidential elections have been a freaking mess. I voted for the conservative candidate, Felipe Calderón, who almost everyone agrees won the election. But the leftist Andrés Manuel López Obrador is making a mess out of this by claiming electoral fraud. Does the Mexican have an opinion of Mexican politics? Or do you — as many pochos I know — not give a shit about what happens in Mexico?
A Mexican in Mexico City

Dear Wab:
Sí y no. On one hand, Mexicans in the United States care even more about the goings-on south of the border than Mexicans in Mexico — why else would we send billions of dollars in remittances, the country's second-largest source of revenue after oil, to bolster the lives of lazy pendejoslike you? But the recent Mexican presidential elections revealed a fascinating paradox: Despite our investments in la patria, we don't care much about Mexico's emerging democracy. Polling revealed that out of the four million eligible Mexican voters who live in the United States, only 28,000 cast a ballot — a woeful seven-tenths of 1 percent. And out of those who did vote, 58 percent sided with Calderón, the free-market proponent, over the populist Obrador, who rails against the yanquisand seeks to take our billions in remittances and hand them out to idiot Mexicans who haven't got the good sense to flee for el norte. Mexico's election results prove again what the Mexican repeats, mantra-like, to the Sensenbeaners and Gilchrists of the world: Not only do Mexicans in the United States not care about Mexican politics (as long as the government keeps its hands off those billions, that is), but the United States transforms even the wabbiest wab into an individualistic, laissez-faire lover of liberty who hates the welfare state. And you want to alienate these dyed-in-the-wool conservatives why? Besides, not voting in elections is as American as Old Glory.

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at garellano@ocweekly.com. And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make one up for you!