Loose Screws

The patriotic pigeon uses the bleedin’ facts to peck holes in the rantings of 9/11 conspiracy wacktivists!

They've already voted to spend $2.5 million on some version of the Montana campaign. Now the Legislature's gift will give the county another $1.5 million to play with. Sources tell this stogie-chompin' starling that Stapley's intent on using the extra green on Montana-style ads.

The county's special projects manager, Linda Mushkatell, confirmed that the supervisors are looking to "replicate" the Montana project in some way, but insists no decisions have been made.

"If we do go down this road, we're going to be looking at it in a very quantitative way," she reassured.

Gee, Linda, would you buy a used car if your mechanic told you the wheels were about to fall off? And pay millions of bucks for it? Um, don't answer that.

For-Profit Prophet

If Jay Beswick's marketing scheme works, recently popped polygamy prophet and alleged kiddy-diddler Warren Jeffs could become the next Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, or Pastor Joel Osteen. That's right, you too can listen to the soothing monotone of this Pope of Plural Marriages, and draw warped inspiration from his FLDS-inspired Biblical teachings.

See, Beswick's a longtime anti-polyg activist who's come into possession of about 450 audio cassettes of Jeffs' preachin' on everything from the tribulations of Mormon saint Joseph Smith to why the fundamentalist Mormon church isn't fond of African-Americans.

Beswick bought the tapes off ex-FLDS members, and is selling them on eBay, along with a variety of Jeffs-inspired merch like Warren Jeffs playing cards; a Warren Jeffs baseball, so you can give the alleged Chester the Molester a few whacks; and a "racist coffee mug," which starts out gray-black, but then turns white to reveal Jeffs' smiling face and the slogan: "Make a Profit From a Prophet!"

Neither Jeffs, 50, nor the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints receives any of the ducats from these transactions. Not that it sounds like Jeffs needed any of the scrilla on the lam. The other day, after the Nevada Highway Patrol apprehended the religious fanatic during a routine traffic stop near Las Vegas, the red 2007 Cadillac Escalade in which Jeffs was riding was found to contain $54,000 in cash and $10,000 in gift cards, as well as 15 cell phones, several laptops, and three wigs.

Jeez, you'd think the prophet would've had the sense not to be riding around in a red car. Even this witless woodpecker knows cops are most likely to stop a red vehicle. To boot, red's a hue that, ironically, Jeffs had banned among his followers — along with the evils of music, sports, and miniskirts.

Betcha the Mormon mullah wishes he'd listened to his own dictates as he cools his heels in a Nevada cell, awaiting extradition to Utah to face charges. After Utah finishes with Jeffs, it's expected Mohave County, Arizona, will get a crack at the zealot.

Even a greater irony than Jeffs' red SUV is the fact that both Attorney General Terry Goddard and Governor Janet Napolitano could've put the prophet in the pen long ago if they'd gotten off their fannies and freed women and girls forced into sexual slavery by Jeffs' Taliban-like cult up in Colorado City. For too long, both Goddard and Napolitano wrung their hands and offered excuses, afraid of what Mormon power brokers in the AZ Legislature might do if they messed with the Mormon Church's bastard offspring, the FLDS.

Napolitano, especially, is always bragging about everything her administration's doing for "the children." But rather than barnstorm Colorado City herself, she was too busy kissing the rings of Mormon leaders, a situation John Dougherty wrote about in these pages many times (for example, see "Janet's Missed Opportunity," October 7, 2004).

Maybe this mockingbird will order up some of Beswick's swag for the Guv. After all, judging by her inaction, she's practically a member of the Warren Jeffs Fan Club! Or perhaps the next time this winged wisenheimer attends one of the Guv's weekly press conferences, he'll give her one of the Jeffs tapes Beswick sent along. Surely Janet will find Jeffs' banal drone relaxing. He sounds like a cross between Mister Rogers and the Reverend Jim Jones!

"The tapes range in date from about 1994 to 2002," Beswick explained. "Jeffs was selling these to the faithful. They were honor-bound to buy them from him for about $6 each. As he got more rigid, he required his faithful to sit and listen to these things all day long."

Shucks, once the producers of HBO's Big Love get wind of the tapes, they'll prolly write 'em into the show. They've already stolen many of their plot elements from Dougherty's New Times articles on the perversion and thievery rampant during Jeffs' reign. You watch, Harry Dean Stanton's prophet character will be requiring members of his congregation to listen to loony yet mesmerizing tapes in a coming season.

And if Janet's lucky, she might even cop a walk-on role as a do-nuthin' politician. No acting required.

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2 comments
Loosecannonsbluesband
Loosecannonsbluesband

"They are setting up an Oklahoma City, they are claiming that one is coming, and they’ve already marked the one who caused it. "— -- Glenn Beck, predicting that the Obama administration will stage a terror attack and blame it on him

Steven, will you provide information on the above conspiranut also?

shawn
shawn

man bird you are way off..dick cheney had more to do with 911 than osama did..

 
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