Tattoo artist and comedian Matthew "Pork Chop" Ward isn't exactly the kind of guy you'd want to bring home to Mom. Besides sporting the expected plethora of tats and piercings, he's got a mouth that rivals George Carlin's and two kids by two different women. An Arizona native, Ward has been tattooing around the Valley for more than 13 years. He co-founded the Art Intensity Network, which produced a 20-volume DVD tattoo magazine profiling big names in the ink industry. In his spare time, Ward is a standup comedian and rock musician, having performed with Valley hardcore legends Systatic and Great Atomic Power. Ward can currently be found at Americana Tattoo in Scottsdale or out drinking $2 beer specials at the neighboring bar.
Hedonist at Heart
I like fucking and getting drunk and worshiping things that sustain me, like money and possessions. I don't think there's anything wrong with looking out for yourself first and not loving everyone. Fuck that. Have you met everyone?
The Itsy-Bitsy Spider
The weirdest thing I ever tattooed? A very small spider web on the perineum, or the "taint," of a . . . well, I'm pretty sure she was a prostitute. She came in and asked for this, and I'm thinking by overcharging her drastically that would scare her away, but instead she paid $300 for her taint web. All month there was the joke about the home of the brown recluse.
I'm not in a band right now. I'm doing the solo thing where I do it all by my goddamned self. I record stuff digitally in my basement. My computer turns on and off when I fucking tell it to. It's never late. It never shows up drunk. It plays every part perfectly and it never questions the arrangements.
Curse of the Queen Mary
I got into the finals of the Best Underground Comic contest, but I didn't even make it because I was sick with an intestinal disaster. I was just sitting at home going, "Someone's winning and it's not me. I'll just go take a shit again and try to find the humor in that." Don't eat food on the Queen Mary, that's all I can say.
Death to Emo
I think trends are repulsive. Now every kid has a floppy hairdo covering one eye. If I'd have gone out of the house looking like that when I was a kid, my mom would've beat the shit outta me.
Thespian Trapped in a Man's Body
You gotta get picked on and called names or you don't grow up right. Lord knows I got my fair share of that when I was a kid. That's where the pissed-off white guy came from, I guess. I was a theater geek. Drama club. Honor roll.
Not long ago I ran into a guy [from high school], one of the jock shitheads who was only nice when it was convenient for him. He was happy because he just got promoted to manager of the Taco Bell. You're 29 and you're working your way up the ranks of Taco Bell. You get to come home smelling like dehydrated beans every night. I'm like, wow, I hope there's a gun store nearby, 'cause you really oughta off yourself and do the world a favor.