By New Times
By Connor Radnovich
By Robrt L. Pela and Amy Silverman
By Ray Stern
By Keegan Hamilton
By Matthew Hendley
By Monica Alonzo
By Monica Alonzo
A Child Shall Fool Them
Editor’s note:We're straying from our usual Letters format to publish an assortment of responses (edited from our Web site) to our satirical story on Anna Nicole Smith's secret love child with a Tohono O'odham tribesman (see The Bird for complete details). Some readers caught on that the story was parody while others insisted that it rang true.
Worse off with the dough: Wow, what a depressing story. The poor kid. Money ain't everything, you know. Even if Buster Brown gets them millions, he'll never get his mommy back. And he might even be the worse off for having the loot. Might end up a drug addict or something.
Don the Beachcomber
Then don’t think: I would hate to think that a man would traumatize his child in this manner for monetary gain. The birth certificates you printed are different and do not show the signature of the mother. I can't even see much information on the notarized copy, but it does look different. Either way, Marshall is a beautiful boy.
Key word is "faked": There needs to be DNA testing. Documents of all kinds can be faked. But it sounds like he had some sort of a relationship with Smith. DNA testing would prove conclusively if the boy's hers or not. If not, then it's a case of child abuse, lying to this child and letting him think Anna Nicole's his mother.
Stern figure: The father needs to be DNA tested also. This child looks just like Howard K. Stern with a mix of Daniel and Anna!
Uh, they have a name for everything: "Scarlet Fever"! Damn, they have a name for it? How could an Indian man, or any man, keep quiet about having their way with Anna Nicole? This made my day!
Finally, someone who gets it: Marshall was a great student. I'm a second-grade teacher on the reservation, and I have to say it was quite difficult to keep the family's secret. It's about time this story was told. My best wishes to the family and loved ones.
What’s so funny?: I'm speechless. I needed a good laugh. Just want to say I can see why Anna was intrigued by Johnny.
"Totem pole" woulda been obvious: "At first, it was all in fun," Soto details. "She'd call my you-know-what her 'tomahawk,' her 'wooden Indian,' or 'big wampum.' Sometimes she'd ask me to do a war dance naked with this feather from one of her dresses stuck in my baseball cap. I tried to tell her that the Tohono O'odham don't wear feathers, but she didn't care. She thought it was funny, and it turned her on, so I did it, though I have no idea if our people even have a war dance.'"
Oh, my God, I'm laughing so hard! I'm going to start checking Native men I go out with to make sure their "wooden Indian" hasn't been contaminated.
If it looks like a duck . . . : This story sounds real. If it is, why has this not hit the other news agencies such as CNN and Fox? Seems to me, publishing it there will get Johnny Soto a high-profile lawyer real quick!
Florida??: Why haven't other media picked it up yet? They probably haven't read it yet. They think nuthin' happens anywhere but L.A., N.Y. and Florida. Anyway, that's why.
Camera shy: This sounds fishy to me. Where are the pictures of Anna with this adorable little boy? As a baby, a toddler? And where are the pictures of Anna with this hot man? You know how she loved getting her picture taken with men, especially hot-looking men. DNA testing most definitely needs to be done!
Trashing on Johnny S.: This guy is really a freakin' a$$! I mean, come on. I love the photo of him with the bottle of Jack D to show us all he has to drink now that she's dead! This guy should be ashamed of himself to make his kid think she's his mom. The birth certificate would have Anna's real name, Vicky Lynn, not Anna Nicole! Go sell it to someone with your tribe!
Yup, it’s a cover-up: Wait a sec! Didn't she change her name legally to Anna Nicole Smith? I read somewhere she did. If they kept it a secret, why would it have come out? We only know about Dannielynn because she told everyone she was preggers that time. This time, maybe she wanted to cover up having a mixed-race child.
Better than reality: Good thing Judge Larry had more DNA samples taken and stored. This story and her life just keeps on coming. These twists and turns are the real Anna Nicole show!
Oh, the irony: This story is a hoax. Total bullshit. New Times does it again. The will to believe anything just because it's in print is a pathetic thing to behold. New Times rightfully debunks and makes fun of 911Truthite fanatics while it's busily scamming its own readers.
There’s one born every minute: I totally believe this man, and the child does, indeed, look like Anna. People need to stop being so stupid when it comes to race because everyone is mixed whether they admit it or not. Also, I applaud Anna for taking care of her child and allowing a more responsible father to raise him. I think it shows that she did have some sort of character.
Answer to your first question is "None": Yeah, I think she was a loving mom. How many soccer moms out there are addicted to prescription pills yet are good mothers? They still function as productive mothers even though they are drug addicts. Don't know about starving the baby, though. Did anyone notice that the second-grade teacher of the child who posted above signed his name as Ellis Hoodwinking? Is that a clue?
No, just nuts: Devoted and loving mother?! Are you fucking nuts? Hello, she starved her effin' baby! And did you see that footage of her wearing war paint and stoned out of her gourd on 'shrooms while she was pregnant!? And people are mad at Howard K. Stern for that shit? Try being mad at the dumb whore who did it.
Ricky Boy can’t be bothered: This story is a fraud. There is no Charles Tatum. There are no background records of any sort on Johnny Soto. No such birth certificate exists on Marshall Black Deer Soto. The Tohono O'odham chairwoman and other officials can 't find any trace of Soto.
Call NT and ask to talk to the editor, tell him (Ricky Boy) how much you, the reader, like being treated with such juvenile disrespect.
Then there's the racism attributed to a dead woman who can't defend herself. Note: no pictures of Anna Nicole and lusty Johnny, the horny handyman.
And your crack reference is 20 years too late: Okay, who's been smokin' crack, New Times? Your prank's a month early, kids.
Brainwashed boy: No wonder Anna left this piece of trash. He's a money-hungry loser. Why wouldn't he try and contact Anna years before? As for his kid, he has been brainwashed by his greedy father as a patsy to get some money.
Poor Jane: Who's this bitch Jane (above)? She writes like someone at the NT boned her and dumped her. Ease up, lady. The whole thing seems plausible. And didn't someone say Anna Nicole had changed her name legally?
Thriving on the bizarre: People are calling this article trash, unbelievable, etc. But this is Anna Nicole we are talking about. Her life was truly bizarre and she thrived on that. So why could this not be the truth? It will be easy to confirm this because Anna's DNA was taken in the morgue.
This guy from Arizona will have to get a lawyer to go to court and make application to get a copy of the DNA results of Anna Nicole. If he does, and this application goes forward, then I think we can pretty much assume it is the truth. You can't change DNA. If he does have a legitimate birth certificate and proof of the $10,000-a-month payments, that is even better.
Then Dannielynn will have a half-brother. Then she will not have to feel so alone in the world.
Testing testing: Riiiiiiight! But DNA testing can prove or disprove this faster than you can say Maury Povich.
How would she know?: "She also tried to get me to fuck her again, in the Casino restroom while Marshall played with his toy. By this time she was so fat, she could barely fit in the stall. Ultimately, I couldn't go through with it."
Yeah, right! Even fat Anna Nicole Smith could give a dead guy a hard-on!
Thank you: True or not, that is the funniest fucking story I have ever read!
She did get around: I'm not sure why any of you think this is a hoax. I have spent many a night with the lady, and she was spectacular. Ah, yes, the long walk along the casino boardwalk, the champagne brunches at Ak Chin and, yes, she had my baby, too. I swear on the gods of the wind.
Just like your signature: This story is completely tasteless. Completely.
No one claimed J.S. was a genius: This guy got $10,000 a month, $120,000 a year, for over five years, and a trip to the Bahamas would burn up all of his savings? What a freakin' idiot.
Us, too:All I am going to say is this: Remember the article about the chef in Anthem who wanted to cook a Mexican for John Kyl? Well, this reminds me of that.
That’s entertainment: Yes, yes, we know this is all a big hoax, but we are still intrigued with the story. Hey, it's entertainment, I guess.
Yes, it's sad that this is what most people like. How many were glued to their TV sets when all the Anna news broke out? I bet a whole bunch, including myself. We really should let the poor woman RIP.
Outrageous fortune: We do not know it's a hoax. Let the boy come forward and let him be DNA-tested. If he's Anna's blood, his claim to the fortune is legitimate. It's absurd to dismiss this out of hand. If he's not her son, then this father needs to be investigated for mental abuse of the child.
We were thinking Nobel: This story's so good, I'd put it in my butt! Charles Tatum deserves a Pulitzer.
Critical thinker: There's no child to be DNA-tested, for Chrissakes! New Times made up the entire story. New Times writes and publishes completely fabricated prank stories regularly, and has done so for decades.
If you try reading and thinking critically about this piece, you'll find that "clues" have been planted along the way that hint that it's made-up stuff, and usually in fake NT stories, the further you read, the higher the outrageousness level and purple prose. As for who the kid in the photos really belongs to, who the hell knows? Maybe he's the love-grandchild of Mike Lacey.
Stern’s boy: Okay, here is how I see it. The little Soto kid, Two Deers Jumping, or something like that, is the spitting image of Howard K. Stern. Look at him, he's pasty white with black hair!
Two Birds in Sky
Another satisfied customer: Oh, my fuckin' gosh! This is so hilarious. What kind of shit is this? Who the fuck does shit like this? I mean, Anna Nicole having an Indian man. I find it so funny.
Very Very Amused
Sealing the deal: Come on, folks, get your heads out of your asses and see this for the hoax that it is. After reading the first page, I thought I was reading The Onion. The ridiculous dialogue attributed to the child and to Anna Nicole. The photo of the "father" with the Jack Daniels bottle sealed the deal that this was all a big spoof.
Real Americans: The Native American tribes were here long before any of you people. They are the only true Americans in this country. Just remember if you are not Native American or a descendant of a Native American (I am), then your ancestors came from another country and you are not a true American.
If DNA is taken and Marshall is a child of Anna Nicole Smith's, then he deserves the same as her daughter. If Johnny Soto has bank records showing deposits in his account from her, that is one item of proof.
Prince Zsa Zsa??: I don't know. There may be some truth to this. Remember when Prince Zsa Zsa first came out to claim paternity, he said Anna had a secret. That he knew neither Larry nor Howard were the fathers. He knew Anna's secret and swore never to tell, but he would if he had to.
Maybe, just maybe, the Indian is Dannielynn's real daddy and Anna had to go to the Bahamas to avoid paternity test with Larry 'cause she really knew who the real father is. She didn't want her daughter to be taken from her, as Marshall was. Just wondering where she was in December 2005? Maybe made a pit stop in Arizona? Hmm?
Not too bright AND a misogynist: Well, I still don't think it's a hoax. For certain, the dumb, dead bitch would've fucked anybody, including Johnny Soto. I mean, nothing surprises me about her. The only thing that will prove it is DNA testing of Marshall, who looks just like Johnny, with Anna's eyes. I think that's what proves it to me: the eyes.
Sensitive soul: Such a sad story. I wept when I read it.
Depressed in Phoenix
Johnny’s money: Why does John say he is going to give half of any money recovered to his tribe? Hello, if in fact the child is Anna's (which I kind of think is true, based on her weird will) shouldn't the child's rightful inheritance be held in a trust until he is of legal age to decide what he wants to do with his (not Johnny's) money.
Culturally correct: Is this true, or is this a hoax? I mean, I am a full blood Tohono O'odham. After the birth of a baby, we mother, baby and father undergo the "blessing ceremony" performed by the medicine man. We are also given a name by the medicine man or rather our parents are told what our purpose is in life. Mine happens to be "Forerunner," so this part of the story is culturally correct.
Pamela L. Anghill
Respect the TO, please: I dunno about some of you, but Johnny Soto doesn't even look O'odham. And it's a li'l obvious that he's wearing a wig. Has the TO nation come out with an official statement about this?
As an O'odham, it's upsetting to see O'odham ceremonies and language explained in an article meant for deception. Some things should be respected and just plain left alone!
Just Another Rez Girl
See you then: I loved this article! Definitely helped me pass a little time at work this morning. Everyone needs to calm down and stop believing it. Don't you remember last year's story about the Japanese chef who served gorilla, dogs, and even Mexican body parts to the Valley's elite? Anyway, thanks for the laugh, New Times! I can't wait for next year!
Sitting around is easier: Instead of sitting around and waiting to see if his son will receive money from Anna Nicole Smith's estate, maybe Johnny Soto should try getting off his ass and getting a job! Isn't that what single fathers do when they need money to raise their children?
Even if the money from J. Howard Marshall's estate is awarded to Smith's estate, it will probably be tied up in probate for years. Chances are that if (big if) Marshall Soto is awarded any money, he will probably be his father's age before he ever sees a dime of it.
White Indian: This story is a complete hoax. I am a registered member of the Tohono O'odham nation. The man photographed in this article has got to be the whitest Indian I have ever seen in my life, other than the "wanna-be" indians who are out there. (a.k.a. hippies). This paper deserves to be sued!
SomeoneReality speaks the truth: Looks like New Times did it again . . . Got all y'all's granny panties in a knot.
On your toes: New Times, your humor outdoes itself. I like the fact you keep us on our toes. I like the fact that silly people will read this stuff and believe it to be true. The satire is thick. The story line is hysterical. Gotta go . . . my taxidermied mother is falling over.
It’s actually a lot better: If the article is one of New Times' gags, it's no worse than what you'd see on MADtv, SNL, Comedy Central or in movies like White Chicks. Seems like the whole point is to skewer stereotypes and the worship of celebs. I'm married to a woman who's part Cherokee and she thought it was hilarious.