Year of the Goat

This dastardly dodo dogs Phil "Goober" Gordon, lambastes Gilbert mayor Steve Berman, and assigns guilt for the Suns' Game 6 loss

In the press conference after the Game 6 debacle, the crybaby Canadian kept coming back to the "what if" factor. Asked what he could do next year to get past San Antonio, something the Suns inevitably will have to do in '08, Nash griped, "I think not having two players taken from us for a game would help."

Younger and greener, Stoudemire sounded more mature and confident than the veteran point guard. Postgame, faced with the same "what if," Stat's analysis of the situation was brutal and unforgiving.

"It is what it is," he admitted. "We got suspended for Game 5. It happened that way, but we had a chance to win it here in Game 6, and we just didn't get it done."

True dat. Said like the real team captain.

BERMAN BUNGLE

Isn't it reassuring that Zona politics attracts such sterling exemplars as Gilbert Mayor Steve Berman? This feisty finch's being facetious, natch. Berman, a hyper former cell phone peddler, was recently quoted as saying, "Eighty percent of Hispanic men in Mesa are in gangs." This, while he was chatting it up with folks protesting other anti-Hispanic B.S. he's spewed in office.

Anyone with half a brain would suspect that statistic's as bogus as Pamela Anderson's rack. But Berman ain't exactly the shed's sharpest plow. He's just a tool. Albeit, a jovial one. A happy-go-lucky Russell Pearce who's practically put up a "No Mexicans allowed" sign at the edge of his burg.

In March, after the deportation of three drag-racing Mexican teens nabbed by Gilbert police, Berman told the East Valley Tribune his goal was to make sure illegal immigrants know "this is not the town they want to come to." Then, in late April, he said on a Spanish-language radio talk show that the immigration laws are needed to keep out sex offenders and people with AIDS or tuberculosis.

The Valley's Hispanics are out of control, according to Berman. And on April 20, when Berman discovered that a passel of 'em were demonstrating against his earlier bigoted remarks, he took the opportunity to tell 'em so.

Berman bragged to The Bird that he'd been unarmed that day, so it took cojones to approach the group of about 50 to 60 individuals, some of whom were, he assumed, illegal immigrants.

"It wasn't one of those things where I showed up with camera crews and reporters and a bodyguard," he squawked. "I walked into a gang of 'em."

A "gang"? Jumpin' jaybirds, who knew the Mexican Mafia protests peacefully on public property? Berman told The Bird he found out later that undercover police had attended the demonstration, made up of regular Jos├ęs and Marias.

"The cops about crapped when I walked up," he crowed crassly. Berman claimed he told the protesters that with 80 percent of Hispanic teens in gangs, the community needs to do a better job of policing itself. This, despite the fact that an April 24 article in the Arizona Republic records him stating, "Eighty percent of Hispanic menin Mesa are in gangs."

The Rep's reporter botched the quote, he insisted, because "I don't believe for a second that 80 percent of all Hispanic men are in a gang." Berman's source for the stat as regards Hispanic teens? Mesa police Commander John Meza, who, Berman said, quoted the statistic to him last year.

Meza was "born and raised in Mesa; he's a Mexican kid," Berman said. "If it had been some, you know, some skinhead police officer with tattoos who said, 'Yeah, you know, 80 percent of them, you know, beaners, they're all in gangs,' I simply would have dismissed it. But John Meza is very well-spoken."

Um, you know, for a "beaner."

Asked by this worm-wrangler whether he could've bollixed Meza's quote, the cheerful chump replied, "There's nothing I can't screw up."

Got that right, bucko. Meza later informed The Bird that the correct stat was that 80 percent of gang members in Mesa belong to a Hispanic gang.

After this winged wonder conversed with Meza, Berman conferred with the cop and apologized at a Gilbert Town Council meeting for his latest misstatement.

But while Berman was jawboning with this grouse pre-apology, hizzoner was hardly contrite. He gloated that his statement had made him a "little hero" among members of the far-right wing, who've been sending him scads of supportive e-mails.

"When we did surveys for when I ran for office [in 2005], I did not score as well with the ultra-right wing, and I would have liked to," Berman said. "I want everybody to love me, ya know."

Yeah, the skinhead vote must be crucial in an area like Gilbert. But now that Berman's had to apologize, he may lose that valuable KKK endorsement. Poor Berman. He's too dumb to even make a good bigot.

MAYOR McCHICKENSHIT

Can you imagine the mayor of the fifth-largest city in America hiding behind his aged mom just because he's afraid of a couple of tough questions from a journo?

Neither could this astounded avian, but that's what happened after Mayor Phil "Goober" Gordon's State of the City address last week before the Greater Phoenix Chamber of Commerce. This tweeter's bloggin' doppelgänger, Feathered Bastard, flew down to the Civic Center to catch Philly Cheesesteak pulling out the pompoms and rah-rah-ing about how the PHX is right up there with London or gay Paree.

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