Year of the Goat

This dastardly dodo dogs Phil "Goober" Gordon, lambastes Gilbert mayor Steve Berman, and assigns guilt for the Suns' Game 6 loss

P-town's a city "on the rise," according to Phil. Indeed, the murder rate's up; rape, too. Heck, we're the 59th-most dangerous city in the U.S., but Phil didn't tell the chamber about those numbers, or that he's pooh-poohed 'em previously. Instead, he declared his support for a public safety initiative to raise the sales tax to hire 500 more cops. Why didn't pipsqueak Phil try something similar, like, two years into his administration? That's what the Feathered Bastard was planning to ask Goober in the promised Q&A segment of the program.

But then, Phil flack Lisa Honebrink said there would be no Q&A segment. Could he get some face-time with hizzoner, asked Mr. Bastard? Honebrink said top mayoral advisor Scott Phelps would make that call. So, FB waited around for an answer, finally got tired of waiting and approached Goober himself, shaking his hand, and requesting some mayoral chin-music.

That's when the Goob begged off, saying he had to escort his antique mom out of the building. When FB followed along behind Phil and his entourage, Phil made sure his mom was between him and the would-be questioner all the way, looking over his shoulder and whispering to Phelps, who grabbed two plainclothes goons to accompany mayor and his mammy to the elevator.

Was Phil afraid that The Bird's tenacious twin was going to jump him? More likely the pusillanimous pol was scared shitless he'd have to endure a rough query or two. Like why he took more than $7K in campaign contributions from execs at RED Development, while that company was bidding to bulldoze Patriots Square Park for downtown's multimillion-dollar CityScape project. Phil doesn't need the scrilla; his war chest is near $1 million. But returning contributions from entities with biz before the city could set a bad precedent. So, campin' out beneath Mother's petticoats must seem a lot more fun than being confronted about the paper you've stacked.

Heh, no doubt the mayor's peein' his pantaloons at the prospect of possibly having to debate his boy-wonder nemesis, the Rev. Jarrett Maupin, who, going on 20, is about 20 times the verbal gymnast than the tongue-tied Gordon will ever be. Can't imagine PHX mayoral candidate Maupin being fearful of a scribe, either.

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