Bird Boycott

The truculent tweeter tackles Mayor Phil, PHX City Council hypocrisy, and goofball prez wanna-be Fred Thompson

Why does Thompson associate with a bottom-feeder like Maynard? Maybe he's got a noggin full of flintstone. Not that he's the only celeb who's pimped Maynard's company. There's also sleazemeister Howard Stern, erstwhile OxyContin addict Rush Limbaugh, and radio fossil Paul Harvey, for whom Thompson's subbed on Harvey's radio program.

Thompson's peeps didn't immediately return calls for comment.

Personally, The Bird's never been able to take Thompson seriously. He comes across as a real fat-head. A big, Foghorn Leghorn-phony baloney. This kissy-face time he's having with the media will be over soon. Perhaps sooner, should his ties to Robert Maynard prove more profound than a few ill-advised radio ads.

COUNCIL CORONARY

Good news and bad news, bird-brains. First the good. Seems Heart Attack Grill owner Jon Basso is movin' his artery-cloggin' enterprise from its somewhat remote Tempe address on West Warner Road to 44th Street and Thomas in P-town, a short flight from this dodo's PHX digs.

The new location promises to be even more profitable for Basso, who scored huge pub when AZ Attorney General Terry Goddard's office objected last year to Basso's naughty nurse waitresses on behalf of the Arizona State Nursing Board.

The result was a tsunami of ridicule for Goddard, the nursing board, and the Center for Nursing Advocacy, a small band of femiNazis out to make everyone adhere to PC speech codes when it comes to those following in Florence Nightingale's footsteps. Ultimately, the nursing board retreated, the CNA returned to obscurity, and Goddard went back to doing what his office does best — nothing.

Basso appeared on 20/20, Japanese and German TV, radio shows like Rush Limbaugh and Tom Leykis, and on and on. Fast-forward to May 31, when Basso closed the Warner Road location in favor of opening a bigger, better 24-hour Heart Attack Grill with the same Quadruple Bypass Burgers, scantily clad angels of mercy, Flatliner Fries and beer and ciggies. But this time with a drive-through!

Sadly, it looks like we'll have to wait a couple of more weeks for this char-grilled hunk of heaven on Earth. The delay's because of dillweed City Councilman Michael Johnson, who objected to HAG having a liquor license in his District 8 because he believed the burger 'n' babes biz will cause an "extreme traffic hazard." Johnson got his fellow chuckleheads on the Phoenix City Council to vote with him to recommend against granting HAG's license.

Extreme traffic hazard? Are you freakin' kiddin'? Has Johnson been driving to work like regular folks through the war zone that is light-rail construction? Or does he pilot a helicopter to work? This City Council, as led by Mayor Phil "Goober" Gordon, knows all about extreme traffic hazards because they've overseen the biggest traffic nightmare in Sand Land's history. Why, if this woodpecker didn't have wings, it would've killed itself by now dodging downtown ditches while driving its T-bird to and from work.

We all know traffic's not the real reason Johnson's against Basso's beefy vision. Rather, it's insincere, politically correct prudishness — ironic given the fact there's a Bombshells Cabaret strip club nearby.

Thing is, neither Johnson nor anyone else on this supposedly pro-business City Council wants to garner the scorn and derision that, say, Scottsdale Mayor Mary Manross has been subjected to since she campaigned unsuccessfully against Jenna Jameson's flesh shack Babe's.

Or since she objected to Harry Morton's Pink Taco restaurant and was mocked on Jon Stewart's Daily Show. These bogus traffic concerns are a cover-your-ass move for P-town's city fathers.

Basso seemed unperturbed, arguing that the Arizona Department of Liquor License and Control is a state entity, over which the City Council has no power.

"The City Council has delayed our opening for about two weeks," acknowledged Basso. "But the state has to give us a legitimate hearing, and they have to have an objective reason not [to grant a license]. It can't just be, 'Oh, you've offended some people.'"

This bill-bearer hopes Basso's right, because HAG's new amenities sound frickin' cool. The place will be decorated as a surgery room, with a huge stethoscope hung inside and a giant Styrofoam Bypass Burger on a pole outside. In the drive-through, your order will be taken via two-way monitor from a hot nurse wench lounging in a second-floor bedroom upstairs.

And there's more:

"Our license will allow us to pass liquor out the window," boasts Basso. "So it'll be like a drive-through liquor store. You'll cruise through, and you'll go, 'Gimme a Double Bypass, Flatliner Fries, a Budweiser, and a pack of Marlboros.' Of course, we can't uncap the beer. People have to do that themselves."

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2 comments
rich
rich

Whenever someone has to tell you what color they are you know that they're a racist.It's that simple.

JoeMorgan
JoeMorgan

Let's remember, when someone uses terms like neo-Nazi or racist, they simply mean European people.

The ADL and the SPLC are not opposed to the apartheid state of Israel because both are funded and largely led by Jews. So, where Jews live as a majority, the ADL and the SPLC support a system that promotes the interests of the majority while undermining the interests of ethnic minorities.

Where Jews live as a minority, the ADL and the SPLC support a minority empowering culture, which works to undermine the interests of the majority.

 
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