By Melissa Fossum
By Lauren Wise
By New Times
By Amanda Savage
By Jason P. Woodbury
By Troy Farah
By New Times
1. Given the chance to actually wear the American flag, you would . . .
A) Turn it into a sexy leather halter top to accentuate your barely legal curves, like Britney Spears did on the cover of Rolling Stone's May 2000 issue. (0 points)
B) Hack a hole in it and wear it as a tacky poncho to rock 2004's Super Bowl XXXVIII like Kid Rock did. (-2)
C) Find two gay men to appear in a 1990 Rock the Vote commercial with you while you wear nothing but combat boots, lacy red lingerie, and a great big American flag like Madonna did. (1)
2. On "Living in the Promiseland," Willie Nelson sang, "Give us your tired and weak, and we will make them strong/Bring us your foreign songs, and we will sing along." His message was . . .
A) Immigrants, stay out. (-1)
B) America has never needed immigrants or their cultures to weave a complex tapestry of peoples, so, seriously, stay the fuck out. (-2)
C) If you believe in hard work, America will give you the chance to find some for less than minimum wage but it's your job to look out for immigration services. (1)
3. The last time you made public comments about how much you opposed the current administrations foreign policies, did . . .
A) Southern conservatives collect copies of your CD and destroy them in Nazi book-burning fashion to show their disgust for you? (-3)
B) Toby Keith prove he has no understanding of the U.S. Constitution by insisting you actually don't have the right to free speech? (-2)
C) You realize you were actually part of a staggering majority, and the only ones left to argue against you also believe Jesus is returning in this lifetime? (2)
-8 to -1 points: You're just about as American as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or his pen pal Osama bin Laden.
0 to 2 points: You're the average American. Don't travel overseas, though; you're one of the dumbasses who make us look bad to other cultures.
3 to 4 points: This score means you're educated enough to be called an enemy of America by the Christian Right, but not quite artsy (read: gay) enough to also be called an enemy of God by them, too.
5 points: Holy mother of Abraham Lincoln, you bleed red, white, and blue. We're proud that you're an American!