The Tools of My Tirade

Caveat actor

No, my review of your show is not "personal." If it were, I'd have included things like "And I heard the playwright was fired from his last job, where someone from human resources had to tell him he had really terrible B.O., and that he cheated on his ex-wife with his current wife, which is kind of awful." All of which is true, but you didn't see it in my review of that guy's play, did you? People are forever telling me that my reviews are too "personal" or that I have something against the actors or director. These contentions always appear in letters that include nasty personal comments about me. Go figure.

No, I’m not working as a theater critic because I secretly want to be an actor. Trust me on this one: The only thing I have less of than acting talent is a desire to appear on the stage. Of course, from the looks of things around here, a lack of talent shouldn't stop me from pursuing a theatrical career, but I'm just not interested in having one. All that memorizing of words written by someone else seems like a drag. And once I got up there under the lights, I'd suck worse than most of the actors I criticize, I assure you.

Matt Mignanelli

No, my present mood does not impact my opinion of your work. I didn't tell readers you shouldn't be allowed to appear on the stage ever again because I had gas on opening night. I wrote that because you're a crummy actor. And I didn't criticize your play because I'm a sad, lonely person. I criticized your play because that's what I do for a living. I'm a theater critic. And you're a Theater Person. So quit your damn whining and get back to work. This time, make it shine. We'll both be happier, I promise.

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