Pimp My Bod

As I'm filling out my paperwork, I spot a couple of photographs of the doctor. He's in his early 50s, but looks better than half my friends in their 20s. I have no idea what work he's had done, but no one looks this good naturally. I find the picture unsettling. Unfortunately, I won't get a chance to judge this guy's youth in person. This appointment is with his assistant, and this doc only meets patients face-to-face when they agree to surgery. I find this unsettling, too.

I meet his assistant, the Q-tip-testing photographer, and we chat about risks, benefits, and types of implants.

It turns out silicone implants are, once again, all the rage. In 1992, they were pulled off the market. The FDA declared a moratorium on silicone because it was suspected the implants caused cancer and connective tissue disease. Though silicone is preferable to saline implants (which go in deflated and then get pumped up), use was restricted only to reconstructive patients and clinical trials.

But in 2006, the FDA reversed its decision and surgeons everywhere raised their scalpels in joy. The doctors I spoke with tell me that it's preferable to work with because silicone feels more natural and makes a better shape.

I have to agree: The implants are fun to play with.

I got my chance after "Q-tip" was done photographing my chest. She gives me a bra to wear and we start stuffing it with silicone.

"We're going to have you try on implants and you tell me, too big, too small, and perfect," she says. She hands me two implants and I shove them into my bra. I feel like I'm at some kind of bizarre slumber party. She gives me a shirt to try on over them.

I look weird. I already think they're too big, but I have to play along, so I ask for the next size up.

"Okay, just lean forward for me, though," she says. I assume she's just checking the placement, but between the leaning forward and the Q-tip test, I'm starting to think she's making fun of me.

We go up 50cc's. Now I look truly ridiculous. The thing is, I really like my breasts how they are. I think they're the perfect size — small but shapely, according to an old friend of mine.

I tell her I think these are a good size.

"Let's go just a little larger," she urges. "I think that looks nice on you, but let's go just a little bigger. We want to keep going until we say that's too big."

We go through this twice more. I'm feeling super-weird and I tell her so.

"Let's go one bigger," she says. "Is that your natural curly hair?"

That's it. She's totally mocking me (and, by the way, it's not. I use sponge rollers most every night — told you I was kind of like a librarian.)

I am now packing 500cc's of breast inside my borrowed bra. And I look terrible. It's just excessive. I tell the assistant I liked the second set and she writes that down. I get dressed and ask if I can talk with the doctor before I schedule anything. She says I might be able to meet with him for five minutes or so, but not for another month.

I think that is crazy. Although this is just a hypothetical surgery situation, I can't imagine anyone agreeing to pay for surgery before they even get to meet the doctor.

I leave the office knowing two things for sure. One: I will never, ever get implants, if only for the sheer fact that I look bizarre with big boobs. Two: I want my dignity back.

Unfortunately, I've got much lower to go.

A couple of days later, I pull up outside the Fig Center, again in north Scottsdale. I am here to learn how injecting a soy-based protein into my thighs can dissolve fat. The Fig Center is the only place in town that offers the treatment. Since it came out in 2005, Lipodissolve has been marketed as a way to slim down without surgery or dieting. The compound is injected into the chosen area, where it absorbs the fat cells, breaks them down, and then gets rid of them like normal human waste.

It sounds too good to be true.

It kind of is. First, the compound is not FDA-approved, and some surgeons argue that without proper clinical trials there's no way to prove that it works. Lipodissolve's creators say there's no reason to assume it's unsafe. After all, it's been available for more than a decade in Europe.

Enticed by the free consultation, I decided to pay a visit and find out for myself. At the clinic, I meet with a nurse who looks like pre-surgery Cher. I like her immediately because of that and because of the fact that when she weighs me, she informs me I am an "excellent weight."

We go into a consultation room and I'm relieved when no one asks me to change into embarrassing paper clothing. No body parts will be exposed today. No pictures taken. I like it here.