Pimp My Bod

But when I meet him, I can't. He turns out to be the most responsible doctor I've met. When we talk about my nose, he tells me that, realistically, he doesn't think he can correct the crookedness. He takes photos to show me how it's not just my nose, but the bones in my face that shift slightly in one direction, then back again. He refuses to do the rhinoplasty.

I appreciate his reassurance that I'm not a monster, considering he just informed me that my face is slightly crooked. Even more than that, I appreciate his honesty, and the fact that he won't sign me up for surgery (or try to up-sell me a chin).

Back in his consultation room — which, by the way, is lit very well — he gives me a real robe to change into, and we talk about liposuction. I decide to tell a huge lie and say I was thinking about a tummy tuck.

He laughs at me: "That's ridiculously excessive."

I'm liking him more by the minute. It's funny that the doctor I've been surliest to is the one who has made me most comfortable. We conclude that liposuction would be an option if I decide I want it, and he quotes me a price.

On the way out, he gives me the best advice any doctor has so far.

"There will be a result you're happy with," he says. "As long as you're realistic about your expectations."

Driving home, the words "realistic expectations" continue to ring in my ears.

Is any part of this lifestyle realistic? Is it realistic to expect that bigger breasts or thinner thighs will change your life? Is it realistic to care about local celebrity status as much as Nik Richie says so many people in Scottsdale do?

We are so obsessed with image. I've actually seen signs that ask, "Got Botox?" A recent article in the New York Times Magazine talked about a new technology that would allow parents to genetically engineer a skinnier baby.

That freaks me out. Yet, I have to admit, if I had the spare $510, I'd probably have booked a Restylane injection already. And when you break it down, I guess that makes me the same as the breast-augmentation girls, and the women who get tummy tucks. It's all vanity, no matter how noninvasive the procedure is.

I recently saw Cedric the Entertainer on TV, talking about the same thing.

"People are getting this shit done just because they can," he said. "They're getting their eyebrows rotated. It's like a human Pimp My Ride."

I know he was making a joke, but he speaks the truth.