By Monica Alonzo
By Ray Stern
By New Times Staff
By Stephen Lemons
By Chris Parker
By Monica Alonzo
By Stephen Lemons
By Robrt L. Pela
That's a reference to an assault by the Sheriff's Office on an Ahwatukee home described in the John Dougherty story "Dog Day Afternoon" (August 5, 2004). An MCSO SWAT team set fire to some poor schmuck's abode while serving him with a misdemeanor warrant. In the process, they drove a pit bull puppy back into the burning home, where the critter got barbecued.
Francis handed out "Joe Arpaio Happy Meals" to all those on the dais. These included half a bologna sammy, a bottle of water, and a little plastic bag of "Nickel Bag Joe," actually oregano, which looks a tad like ganja.
The crowd was then entertained by a country trio called The Cartridge Family Band, which let rip with some pretty un-PC tunes.
"[Joe] works real hard to treat everybody fair," members sang to The Beverly Hillbillies theme music. "And if you don't like it, he'll put you in the chair. The restraint chair, that is. Leather straps. A little tight around your airway."
Then they struck up a blues number, crooning, "You won't see Paris Hilton [in Tent City], but you might see Mike Lacey or Jim Larkin or Glen Campbell. You won't see Scott Norberg, but you might see Mike Tyson."
Actually, Campbell got the luxury cell, boys. And neither Lacey nor Larkin made it to the tents, though they were both behind bars. Here's hoping you dorkwads meet up with members of the Norberg family in a dark alley one of these days. Norberg was asphyxiated while in Joe's custody, you see.
Joe himself took the stage for his "rebuttal," and blathered on in a rambling monologue reminiscent of Grampa Simpson of the show by that surname. He griped about not getting Paris Hilton from Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca, and bitched about New Times always being in a rack in front of his favorite restaurant, Luby's. "New Times, they've been roasting me for 15 years!" he quipped.
That's right, Joe, and there's more to come. A lot more!
This PHX phoenix happens to know that some roasters were advised not to piss off the sheriff and to tailor their jokes for the event's antique audience. "This is not Comedy Central," one roaster was admonished. The roaster in question relayed to this plumed penman a few of the Top Ten Joe Arpaio Pick-up Lines, which were cut, including:
"Hey, baby, I've got a Tent City — in my pants!"
"Hey, baby, you put the hot in hot line."
"Hey, baby, you wanna see my green bologna?"
"Hey, baby, after one night with me, you'll expect the max."
Alas, these were not meant for the tender ears of Joe or his aged audience. Nor were the ones that follow, the product of this cuckoo cock-of-the-rock, here submitted for your perusal:
• Joe's getting old. His hearing's shot. The other day a reporter asked him if he'd been in the Klan, and he said, "No, I go potty after lunch."
• I'm not saying Joe's senile, but he's the only person I know who has a paid subscription to New Times.
• Yep, Joe's Alzheimer's has gotten so bad, he wants to arrest Mike Lacey again.
• Some people claim Arpaio's a racist, but we know that's not true. In his jails, he treats everyone like a Mexican.
• Arpaio hates it when Hispanic leaders compare him to Adolf Hitler. He's right; they're nothing alike. Hitler had one ball and a gal pal named Eva. And Joe can't remember the last time he balled his Ava.
• Joe said he wanted to get Paris Hilton in handcuffs. But she told him she already has a boyfriend.
• Yeah, Joe's deputies kill more inmates than sharpened toothbrushes.
• Know why the MCSO can no longer afford to buy posse members uniforms? The price of Depends is through the roof!
• To save on processing illegals, sheriff's deputies will now shoot 'em on sight and charge 'em after the fact with releasing sensitive grand jury information.
• They say old enemies Arpaio and Russell Pearce have made up. But who knew we'd find them French-kissing in the parking lot of Pruitt's?
• I'm not saying Arpaio's old, but I've seen younger faces on money.
• County Attorney Candy Thomas and Joe used to be bosom buddies. Then Joe tried deporting Thomas' in-laws.
• Actually, Governor Janet Napolitano was supposed to be here, but she had a doctor's appointment. She's being screened for prostate cancer.
• You know Joe's started dying his hair. There's more 40-weight on his scalp than a Valvoline commercial. The only place there's more dying is in his jails.
• Joe's so dumb he thinks César Chávez is a salad dressing.
• Joe's so old, he looks like W.C. Fields — now.
• I'm not saying Joe likes to drink, but his nose is so purple and veiny, the other day a wino tried to lick it.
• Joe's so stupid he thinks the Spanish word for sheriff is "pendejo."
• Did you hear Joe deputized Spider-Man? Joe showed him how to spin a web of lies.
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