By Lauren Wise
By New Times
By Amanda Savage
By Jason P. Woodbury
By Troy Farah
By New Times
By Derek Askey
January 1: Dick Clark's "New Years Rockin' Eve" hardly rocks, with Fergie, The Jonas Brothers, Carrie Underwood, and Miley Cyrus doing the honors. But for the third straight year after his heart traumas, a frail but courageous Dick Clark resumes co-hosting duties. And for the third straight year, The Strokes are not invited to perform.
January 3: Radiohead's In Rainbows debuts at number one in the U.K. and tops the U.S. chart a week later, scotching the notion that fans wouldn't buy the physical CD of an album they already downloaded for a "pay what you like" fee six months earlier. The band's move from EMI couldn't have come at a better time, with the giant recording conglomerate poised to slash 2,000 jobs to save £200 million and change its name to "EM" to save on ink.
January 4: Britney misses a hearing, K-Fed gets full custody of the kids, and the meltdown queen is led away on a stretcher. One can't help but recall years past and sigh, "It used to be about the multiple marriages and the head-shaving, man."
January 8: Amy Winehouse ditches her trademark beehive for a new blond bob. Who'da thought her problems with the bottle would expand to include peroxide?
January 9: TMZ reports that Eminem, formerly known as "Slim Shady," is depressed and weighs around 212 pounds. This contradicts the commonly held belief that he vanished into thin air after his last tour.
January 10: Although a critic of rap's misogyny and racial stereotyping, Senator Barack Obama (or "B-Rock," as Vibe has tagged him) has consulted with rap stars Jay-Z and Kanye West, hoping to win the young minds of America's hip-hop community, while Senator Hillary Clinton has secured an endorsement from Timbaland. On the Republican side, expect Senator Mitt Romney to announce that he has seen his dad get down with James Brown.
January 11: Paula Abdul is in talks about performing at the Super Bowl. By "performing," we hope they mean breaking down and weeping hysterically into a cell phone. In other American Idol news, Taylor Hicks, Katherine McPhee, and Ruben Studdard are all dropped from their major-label record deals. Translation: The speed-dialing Middle Americans who voted for these Idols were incensed that they couldn't find a copy of Taylor Hicks or I Need an Angel on eight-track.
January 13: Panic! At the Disco confirm that the band has dropped the exclamation point from its name and will be less exciting from now on. The Academy Is . . . is expected to announce that they are dropping the ellipsis and will just get to the point.
January 14: An investigation into illegally prescribed steroids reveals that 50 Cent, Wyclef Jean, Timbaland, and Mary J. Blige have all purchased sizable quantities of the performance-enhancing drug. It is believed they are using it for its bulking up or anti-aging properties. But in 50 Cent's case, it's probably just to brag he's been shot nine times again — in the ass.