Firestorm Fest: It's the best lineup of crappy band names in the biz

There are a lot of bad band names out there, but no genre suffers from titular uncoolness like metalcore (which we'll admit we're not fans of). The Firestorm Fest — a mega-event meant to give the frustrated and angry fans of the genre a place to scream and jump into each other — hits town this week, and we can't help but marvel at the lineup they've put together. It's a greatest hits of the crappiest names in the music game, in fact. We have to imagine this is just as bad as naming your kid something horrible like Apple or Moses.

Sworn Enemy
Who are they: Metalcore band from New York City; formed in 2001.
Who were they: Used to be called Mindset, another name that sucks.
Music sounds like: Transformers fucking in 1988.
Name sounds like: The title to a bad comedy starring David Spade and Rob Schneider.

Down to Nothing
Who are they: Straight-edge hardcore band from Richmond, Virginia; formed in 2000.
Music sounds like: The soundtrack to a first-person-shooter video game we played last week.
Name sounds like: A botched attempt at profundity.

Sworn Enemy: The music's gotta be better than the moniker.
Sworn Enemy: The music's gotta be better than the moniker.

Details

The Firestorm Fest, originally scheduled to take place Friday, March 14 at the Cell Block in Mesa, has been rescheduled for Friday, March 14, at The Rock in Tucson.
The Rock in Tucson

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Shai Halud
Who are they: Metalcore band from Pompano Beach, Florida; formed in 1995, they have enough former band members to populate a small town.
Music sounds like: What Ted Bundy heard in his head before he killed somebody.
Name stolen from: The Dune sci-fi book series by Frank Herbert. Shai Halud was the holy name given to the giant sand worm of Arrakis by the desert people known as Fremen.
Name sounds like: "Gesundheit" in Arabic.

Terror
Who are they: Metalcore band from Los Angeles; formed in 2000.
Music sounds like: What would've happened if Father Damien hadn't thrown himself out a window after being possessed by Satan, instead opting to front a bad punk band from the City of Angels.
Name sounds like: A bad stab at sounding scary.

Recon
Who are they: Straight-edge metal­core band from Glens Falls, New York; formed in 2003.
Music sounds like: A very angry, constipated man trying to take a dump to the soundtrack of a prison movie starring "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.
Name sounds like: A G.I. Joe character.

Earth Crisis
Who are they: Vegan, politically charged, straight-edge metalcore band from Syracuse, New York; formed in 1992, dissolved in 2001, reunited in 2007.
Music sounds like: A really good metal band with some guy ruining it by screaming unintelligibly.
Name sounds like: A DC Comics pan-title crossover series.
Name also sounds like: A bad Animal Planet documentary series for kids.

 
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2 comments
Jim Carey
Jim Carey

Who are you? You write for the phoenix new times... FIRESTORM

Josh Mosh
Josh Mosh

Recon....the vocalist is a total douche bag with an ego the size of Canada. Go back to being a second rate hack and let the big boys play the music.

 
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