The Bird praises L. Ron Hubbard, skewers a bladder-challenged bigot and offers a warning to the Big Cactus

Granted, Scientology's done some evil shit. Enemies of Scientology have been declared Fair Game, meaning, according to a Hubbard directive, they "may be deprived of property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline of the Scientologist. [They] may be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed."

In general, Scientology is authoritarian, mercantile, and a cult. But compare it to the Roman Catholic Church and its protection of pedophile priests, or to Protestants, who burned witches once upon a time. Don't even get this dodo started on the freakin' Spanish Inquisition.

That's why The Bird regards with jaundiced peepers the activities of an international group of young Internet vigilantes who refer to themselves as Anonymous. Though Anonymous has been around for a few years, pulling pranks like revealing the ending of the latest Harry Potter book, and hoaxing Fox News into reporting that the amorphous Web entity was some sort of terrorist outfit, what's really gotten Anonymous rolling is Scientology's January attempt to have that famous Tom Cruise video about Scientology yanked off the Net.

Anyone can be a member of Anonymous, but the majority of Anons are very, very tech-savvy. Pissed off at Scientology's attempts at Internet censorship, they instituted Project Chanology, its intent being to crush the commodore's religion by pulling down its Web sites, sending Scientology "black faxes" of totally black pages, which can sabotage a fax machine, and by protesting at Scientology churches.

On February 10, thousands of people protested in dozens of cities worldwide, including Phoenix, where, according to this pigeon's police sources, about 60 demonstrators gathered at the Scientology Church near Seventh Street and Indian School Road. It was a peaceful demo, with some Anons covering their faces to protect their identities from vindictive Scientologists — they wore surgical masks or, in some cases, Guy Fawkes masks, like those in the flick V for Vendetta.

Cynical this sandpiper may be, but he's impressed that Anonymous was able to round up 60 souls on a Sunday for the February event. So The Bird flew down to ASU's Coor Hall to meet with a five-person clique of Anons. They were fliering the campus with info concerning the next Scientology protest on March 15, two days after Hubbard's birthday.

The quintet at Coor Hall consisted mostly of young people, the most enthusiastic being Evan Bryner, a 23-year-old Philly native in a beard and a suit. (Anonymous' logo is a headless dood in a black suit.)

Bryner, who described himself as a "hyper-conservative libertarian," explained that it was the way the Scientology church acted online regarding the Cruise video that ticked off Internet-obsessed Gen Y-ers.

"[The church] threw rocks at the hornets' nest," said Bryner. "And eventually, when you throw enough rocks, the hornets are going to swarm you."

Tiffany Johnson, an unemployed chick who says she spends about 16 hours a day online, agreed.

"You can't piss off the Internet," declared Johnson. "[Scientology] pissed off the Internet, and the Internet is going to bite them in the ass."

All this for a Tom Cruise video? Still, to a generation weaned on the Web, Internet freedom is serious stuff. This woodpecker just wonders when Anonymous plans to take on all the Web censors in the People's Republic of China.

Johnson was hoping Scientology would lose its tax-exempt status. A fellow Anon who declined to give his full name or the college he was attending, said he was motivated after reading about Scientology's "crimes." But the Anons admitted that there was an element of "lulz" involved — lulz being computer geek slang for the shits and giggles you get from punking a bitch like the Scientology church.

Hey, The Bird wouldn't want to deny anybody lulz. Plus, the shenanigans that Anons are promising when they gather at Scientology's PHX headquarters on the Ides of March sound seriously lulz-ish. This jaybird just wishes the Anons would aim their prankish ire at AZ assholes like Sheriff Joe Arpaio or state Representative Russell Pearce.

Meanwhile, those interested in Anonymous can check out the Project Chanology wiki at www.partyvan.info/index.php/Project_Chanology#March_15th_Protest.

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