The Bird praises L. Ron Hubbard, skewers a bladder-challenged bigot and offers a warning to the Big Cactus

But something worries this buzzard about Shaqzilla unrelated to his game. Specifically, the way he snuggled up to Sheriff Joe Arpaio in 2006 while in town with the Miami Heat. Joe wooed The Big Baryshnikov like he was a Honduran cop just up from Tegucigalpa, taking O'Neal on a tour of Tent City and making him a captain in Joe's posse.

"He's a great sheriff," gushed O'Neal at the time to the Arizona Republic. "One of the best."

Now, the Taloned Terror knows O'Neal wants to pursue law enforcement as a career once his dunking days are kaput. Shaq's a reserve officer with the Miami Beach PD, and has aided with collaring criminals in the past.

And The Bird can forgive Shaq for having stars in his eyes while a visitor to Sand Land. But as a Zonie, he needs to know better. Arpaio's flacks would love to score a photo op with our Superman in sneakers, maybe even get his endorsement for Arpaio's re-election bid.

But, Shaq, trust this T-bird: Arpaio is a bad man, and The Bird don't mean "bad" in the good way. He's corrupt and mean, and he wastes the taxpayers' money: $43-plus million in lawsuit payouts and insurance premiums, among other red ink.

Shaq spooning with this scandal-plagued sheriff would be a coup for Arpaio's goons, but a disaster for the real big guy. Plus, there are real lawmen in town Shaq can canoodle with, if he wants. Check out Mesa Police Chief George Gascon, for instance. You may remember him from LA, Shaq.

Shaq, you're smart. And be forewarned: Locals here with more than a couple of IQ points to rub together regard the MCSO as a sick joke.

The Bird's saying: We care about you, Shaq. We sided with you against Kobe Bryant from the start. You're cool; he ain't. So steer clear of our crotchety top constable so that none of his dirt rubs off on you, and Arizona may end up renaming a certain local precipice Camel-Shaq Mountain.