The Bird on Mayor Phil and why the Fonz can't tell the world, "Fuck the police"

The last place this pugnacious penguin figured he'd ever be was sitting across a table from Mayor Phil Gordon. But the battle against Sheriff Joe Arpaio makes for odd allies: Republican Rick Romley's endorsing now-Democrat Dan Saban. And The Bird's applauding the courageous stance taken by Hizzoner over Nickel Bag Joe's dastardly, anti-immigrant dragnets.

But there we sat, over a cup a Joe at Hava Java at 32nd Street and Camelback, the mayor looking a pinch more peaked than usual, perhaps from being in the unusual position of granting an interview to one of his most dogged critics. But The Bird's willing to gobble a heapin' helpin' of crow for three reasons: The mayor's criticism of Arpaio during his César Chávez luncheon speech, Gordon's letter to U.S. Attorney General Michael Mukasey asking for a Department of Justice inquiry into Joe, and Gordon's remarks during the State of the City address before the Phoenix Chamber of Commerce, wherein he blasted the sheriff for 40,000 felony warrants gathering dust in Joe's in-box.

"Rounding up those people should be a priority," Fightin' Phil told the assembled chamber fatcats. "Instead, [the sheriff] has created a Sanctuary County for Felons with his reckless priorities that target brown skin and cracked tail lights instead of killers and drug dealers."

Our septuagenarian sheriff has been apoplectic, claiming Phil's lying about the 40,000 warrants and spitting like a mad mutt that he's not targeting the brown sections of the PHX. Sure ya ain't, Joe. In fact, this Daffy Duck figures you'll be going into tony Scottsdale any day now. After all, Joe might catch some illegal Canadians, Krauts, or Frogs drinkin' smoothies in the food court at Scottsdale's Fashion Square.

BTW, Joe, regarding those warrants and your bogus blarney asserting that you're responsible for only a small portion of 'em, you should take some time off from coloring your 'do with STP and read the description of your duties in the Arizona Revised Statutes, Title 11-441. It states, in part, that the sheriff shall:

"Serve process and notices in the manner prescribed by law and certify under the sheriff's hand upon the process or notices the manner and time of service, or if the sheriff fails to make service, the reasons for failure, and return them without delay."

As your eyesight's going, you may have to have your lackey, PIO Paul "Chicken Little" Chagolla, read it for you. Or maybe even David "Jabba the Hutt" Hendershott, if he can take time away from coordinating the deputies he's still sending down to Honduras on our dime.

But this dodo digresses. The reason The Bird wanted to meet with Da Mayor was to ask him why he decided to do what he's done, which is show the kind of intestinal fortitude that state pols such as Attorney General Terry Goddard and Governor Janet Napolitano lack. And no, this winged wordsmith doesn't count Nappy's wishy-washy statement on Channel 8's Horizon that the situation with the sheriff is "troublesome." Grow a sack, Nappy! Christ knows you might as well, considering that you amble around the ninth floor of the Executive Tower like a freakin' truck driver as it is.

"What led up to it," explained Gordon of his attack on Nickel Bag, "was the aggressive change in tactics from the sheriff, in terms of him making statements in press conferences and him enforcing his federal 287g power [which allows Arpaio to use ICE-trained deputies to implement U.S. immigration law]. Even if you think of the Pruitt's deal, it was a whole different type of operation.

"Then he started to escalate," continued Gordon, "targeting Hispanic neighborhoods and persons of lower socio-economic status. So that was on one hand. On the other hand, I was meeting with individuals who continued to relay stories of how they'd been stopped — American citizens and legal residents. It kept tugging at me."

One of Phil's staffers, a third generation Hispanic American whom he asked The Bird not to mention by name, had been harassed by a sheriff's deputy months ago, and was cited for making a turn on a road posted as closed, though Anglos in other cars simply were given warnings. Pastors and bishops in local churches told him of their parishioners being profiled or, in some instances, torn from their families and deported. But it was one visit to the Most Holy Trinity Catholic Church in Sunnyslope that really affected the city's top exec:

"About five or six individuals were there talking to me [about] a young kid who got pulled over and didn't have his driver's license. [Sheriff's deputies] stopped him in front of his house. They still took him to jail. There was a little girl there who was crying and afraid to go to school. So I determined it was time to do something."

Some idgits in the media, like radio retard Larry Gaydos of KTAR, think Phil's doing this as part of some political agenda. Would that be the political agenda that picks a fight with the biggest bully in town? Or maybe it's the political agenda dying to get investigated by the gorilla-esque goons of Sheriff Joe's Selective Enforcement Unit. So called 'cause they selectively enforce the law.

If there were so much to be gained by slammin' Joe, more people would be doing it. As is, the top pols taking on Arpaio are Mayor Gordon and gutsy Guadalupe Mayor Rebecca Jimenez. Where's the Guv, for instance? Cowering under her desk, continuing her reign as the lamest of lame ducks.

Still, the mayor has drawn some blood in his duel with Sheriff Scalawag. According to DOJ flack Erik Ablin, the department is reviewing the letter, which Phil sent with documentation of his claims.

Imagine the impact if Nappy or Terry chimed in with their own letters to Justice? Keep dreamin'.

Meanwhile, Hizzoner is this heron's new hero. If Joe tries to handcuff Phil on some trumped-up charge, as he does to practically all his enemies, he'd best be ready for the political donnybrook to end all donnybrooks, with this bantam cock leadin' the charge.

LEGION OF DOOM

Seems the snaggletoothed supremacists of bigot-boy Rusty Childress' United for a Sovereign America have had to amscray the VFW Post 9400 in Sunnyslope they were frequenting on Thursday nights. From here on out, the anti-immigrant hate group, which has welcomed neo-Nazis and other racists into its ranks will now be sullying the reputation of American Legion Post 105.

No word yet on whether U.S.A. had to abandon its VFW post because of a letter-writing campaign spearheaded by local pro-immigrant activist Dennis Gilman. Gilman and pals pointed out in missives to the VFW post's Commander Tom Kaifesh that U.S.A. once boasted Adolf Hitler-lover J.T. Ready as a regular, as well as Mexican-flag-burner Laine Lawless. Also that alleged public-urinator Buffalo Rick Galeener, who commonly refers to nonwhites as "monkeys," is Childress' second-in-command.

U.S.A. continues an armed vigil outside the Macehualli Work Center, where U.S.A.'s minions frequently spew vile epithets at day laborers or passersby. Most of the residents and nearby businesses want them out, even though Sheriff Joe used a paltry petition signed by eight local businesses and circulated by pee-boy Buffalo Prick as an excuse to set up his mobile command center in a parking lot at Cave Creek and Bell roads weeks back. The resulting standoff between hundreds of relatively well-behaved anti-Joe protesters and scores of gun-totin' U.S.A. hillbillies teetered on the edge of a riot, something U.S.A.'s rednecks would've loved to have incited.

Nickel Bag even bloviated recently at the VFW post during one of U.S.A.'s regular Thursday-night meet-ups. Among the attendees: 74-year-old neo-Nazi Elton Hall, hailed by skinhead admirers as one of George Lincoln Rockwell's original stormtroopers.

In fact, ol' Elton's been causing a bit of a kerfuffle of late at the KKK-like clambakes. See, it's been Childress' wet dream to actually sue Mayor Gordon for some dumbass reason, or to recall him. But Mr. Crusty Underpants knows that as soon as U.S.A. holds a press conference, Fourth Estaters will question his borderline-mongoloid tribe about the latest neo-Nazi in its woodpile — Elton.

Hall has volunteered to step aside for the good of the group, but he ain't about to start apologizing for any of his past far-right activities, some of which have been documented in scholarly tomes on white supremacy. Childress can't bring himself to kick Hall loose. Meantime, anti-Hispanic Hispanic Anna Gaines, one of the group's token minority members, was so incensed by Hall's presence at U.S.A. functions that she stormed out, and is reportedly starting a rival organization.