A few of the rock stars we wish we could call this Mother’s Day

With Mother's Day fast approaching, we here at New Times have spent a lot of time mulling over what makes a great mom. In the end, we each wrote down a trait, tossed these little slips of wonderful into a hat, and then, with a stick of glue, assembled them into a host of rock stars we'd love to have to call every Mother's Day.

Gwen Stefani: "This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S." Can you imagine what kind of bedtime songs Stefani sings to her little one (second on the way)? We guarantee they're a hell of a lot cooler than what your mother cooed to you.

Madonna: Getting the "sex talk" from our parents was awkward enough, which is why we all turned to Madonna's eclectic career for guidance. From "Like a Virgin" to Erotica, we panted for her while she generously and without hypocrisy filled in the blanks our own parents left. As a mother, we have no doubt she's just as cool and reassuring . . . but, you know, less slutty.

Joan Jett: Despite the fact that rock 'n' roll has lost almost all its shock value over the years, a startling number of parental figures around the country still suffer heart palpitations whenever their children pick up a guitar and declare, "I wanna rock!" Not Joan Jett; she loves rock 'n' roll so much, she had to sing a song so we all knew how she felt. If she was our mom, we bet she'd buy us our first set of drums and drive us to band practice!

Loretta Lynn: You know how parents like to say they put their dreams on hold for their kids? Well, Lynn did just that while popping out six of them. Six!

Natalie Maines, Dixie Chicks: On the eve of war with Iraq, Maines attacked Bush's imperialistic policies long before the rest of the country had her back. The fallout almost destroyed the Chicks, but they survived to become symbols for freedom of speech worldwide, though we'd be happy enough if more American children were raised on Maines' ballsy political outspokenness.

Britney Spears: It's easy to fault Britney for being the worst celebrity mom of the century, but let's think outside the box here. As Nietzsche said, that which does not kill us makes us stronger. In that regard, having Britney as a mom would actually be a plus in the big picture, perhaps turning us into super-humans capable of, you know, writing a tell-all autobiography or maybe even starring in our own reality series. Surreal Life, here we come!

 
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David Cochran
David Cochran

What a misleading headline. Gwen Stefani, Madonna, Britney Spears.... "rock stars"? LORETTA LYNN? Joan Jett, OK. Natalie Maines... maybe. Every time one thinks that Gwen Stefani has made the most irritating song possible, she makes another one. Madonna's only talent is promoting Madonna (although she's VERY good at that). Loretta Lynn never even had a crossover top 40 hit. And Britney Spears... well enough's already been written.

 
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