BUZZ-WORTHY

It's no coke: Your recent article on Agwa de Bolivia ("Liquid Blow?" Niki D'Andrea, June 26) was interesting and funny. I went out and bought a couple of bottles of the stuff, downed it all, and I can attest that it has no relation to the high you get from cocaine.

I did find it tasty, though, and it made me feel like I'd drunk a case of Red Bull. The problem with it was that you get almost no alcohol buzz from the stuff because of the high-octane caffeine content. My hair was standing straight up, I think, by the end of the evening (about 5 a.m.)!

While it comes in a cool bottle and can certainly keep you going well past closing time, I'll stick with my usual array of Red Bulls and vodka.
Lady Jane Smith, Tempe

No tomorrow: Agwa: Love the stuff! Can't get enough of it. It doesn't drag you down like other alcoholic beverages. You get a buzz like there's no tomorrow. It's great for sex! After reading your article and purchasing a few bottles, it's my new favorite elixir.
Joe Montero, Phoenix

Agwa + Jäger + Monster = Mmmm: I heard about Agwa from the owner of my favorite bar, Mardi Gras in Scottsdale. I tried three shots there with a splash of peach schnapps. I really liked it and picked up a copy of New Times on my way home and read your article, which I really enjoyed.

I wanted to try more of Agwa, so I bought a bottle of it at my neighborhood liquor store. The best mix I tried is four shots of Agwa, one shot of Jäger, and a can of Monster energy drink. That's the best Agwa drink mix ever!
Jaysin Hydeman, Scottsdale

Great gimmick, but it's nothing special: I'm two-thirds down a $49.99 bottle of Agwa de Bolivia and, as somewhat of an expert now, it is what it is: a 30 percent-by-volume liqueur in a 750-milliliter bottle.

Steele Reserve and Sudafeds would do a better job. Heck, $50 used to do a hell of a job to my libido. Talk kinky!

Great gimmick, though! Love the humor. But with the war on drugs continuing and energy drinks being the new caffeine — while ephedrine is behind the counter — what do we do for speed?

Alkaloids, how I miss you!
Name withheld

JOE's B.S.

Joe's a monster: Brilliant review of Joe Arpaio's so-called book in New Times ("Joe's Tall Tales," Stephen Lemons, June 26)! I recently moved here from the East Coast, and I can't believe that this kind of demagoguery is tolerated in Arizona! From your story, I can see that I've got a lot to learn about my new home state.

That a public official of long standing would literally make up so much trash to inflate his image is beyond anything I've ever seen in my former hometown. Does he realize he's lying, or has he told the same lies for so long that he thinks they are the truth?

So Arpaio is 76 years old? Joe, if you're reading this, here's some advice: Try getting your moral affairs in order because you are going to be meeting your maker soon (a bad flu epidemic could hit town that could be the end for old folks like us), and you'd be better off to have something positive to tell Him about yourself. As things currently stand, when He reminds you that you lived without any compassion for your fellow man, that you were a corrupt liar, you'll have to nod in agreement.

My Lord, where's a term-limits law when it comes to this monster? I'm one senior citizen who won't be voting for the incumbent.
Mary Ann Nelson, Phoenix

Self-serving is his specialty: Stephen Lemons comes through again with an article that is not only well-researched but one of the funniest things to appear in New Times this year.

If only Joe's book actually had been subtitled "America's Meanest Sheriff Buffaloes Readers with Bogus Yarns, Unprovable Claims & Hoover Dam-size Omissions of Fact"!

But truth in advertising has never stopped Arpaio from offering up a self-serving story. Who else but Lemons has gone to the trouble to contact the original, real-life French Connection detective to debunk Uncle Joe's outrageous braggadocio? Former sheriff's official Tom Bearup's quotes are also priceless, as is ghost writer, er, co-author Len Sherman's attempt at spin control.

I had been wondering exactly who would stoop to helping Uncle Joe assemble his maundering collection of cornpone wisdom and erroneous personal recollections? Perhaps a superannuated night watchman in need of supplemental income?

It seems that Sherman has written other softball biographies. Who can forget his Popcorn King: How Orville Redenbacher and His Popcorn Charmed America?
Emil Pulsifer, Phoenix

A true classic. Right, Mike?: I'm halfway through Joe's Law. Thanks for ruining the rest of it for me! I'm really starting to feel sympathy for "Americas Toughest Sheriff."

I'm so impressed with Joe that I'm thinking of becoming a volunteer posse member. I'm not that old, but I have extensive golf cart driving skills and passionate hatred of children having fun. Especially Mexican skateboarders whose parents came here illegally to give them a better life. These kids show thanks for being in our country by grinding the curbs at our beautiful malls.

Detractors of Sheriff Joe may skew ratings and poll results. They may skew news stories to make Joe look like the victimizer.

Nick Tarr, what was his real motive for wearing pink underwear and a sheriff's shirt to a Halloween party? Joe's posse was not out of line by incarcerating this individual, if only temporarily, to prevent him from doing the evil deeds he had planned for that night. Deeds that cannot be substantiated because the evidence was scant — disappearing as fast as it appeared.

Tarr had schemed with the local casino-owning tribal leaders to spread casino-style toys to children across the Valley on Halloween. This Nick Tarr (a.k.a. "Joe Arizona"; curious that he was "Joe" Arizona, and not, say, Fred Arizona, or, better yet, Nick Arizona) is a real joker who only a superhero like Sheriff Joe could stop. And stop him he did.

Just like he stopped the French Connection and the Mexican-Minutemen false-flag assassination attempt. No assassin acts alone, whether it's Lee Harvey Oswald or Elias Bermudez. It takes two asses to spell assassination.

And speaking of asses, that brings me to another supervillain, Dan Saban. Not only did he rape his stepmother and lie about it, he blamed a poor, defenseless woman who suffers from a serious mental illness called "figmentia." And his real motive for running for sheriff is to gain access to the file and destroy, once and for all, the ugly truth of his past.

No, you Sheriff Joe haters, I am not going to chastise you for not knowing the truth, but I encourage everyone to read Joe's Law from an unbiased perspective. Then, you will see how great a man Joe really is.

This book is right up there with the best of them: My Life, Mein Kampf, Garlic Wars, Little Red Book.
Mike Blatter, Phoenix

Come and listen to a story 'bout . . . : Your rag reeks of homo-loving, beaner-loving liberalism, and if it were up to me (you'd better be glad it isn't!), I'd come right over and force you punks to pack your bags and walk you to the border! Then, I'd throw your commie, faggot, shit-eating asses out of America!

You are fucking traitors, and your fat-ass, crust-ridden mothers should be damned to Hell for not aborting your miserable asses, you fucking scumbag pieces of shit! Go fuck yourselves!
Jed Browman, Phoenix

Leave "white" out of it next time: I'm writing in response to your May 29 article "Brown Out" (Stephen Lemons) about Sheriff Joe Arpaio and his sweep for illegal immigrants in Guadalupe.

While the article was very well written, informative, and did a good job of conveying the reprehensible and most likely illegal way this sweep was deployed, I feel a strong sense of urgency to point out that, on more than one occasion in the article, you refer to Sheriff Arpaio's hometown of Fountain Hills (which is a very nice community with just as many law abiding, legal citizens as Guadalupe) as "lily white" and "white bread."

Are you not doing exactly what Joe Arpaio and his forces did in Guadalupe by racially profiling and making disparaging remarks in reference to white people?

I am a realist and believe that, while Sheriff Arpaio's actions were unethical and incorrigible, you have tainted an otherwise well-written and concise story with unnecessary racial remarks. It's unfortunate that racism is alive and well in America today, and using remarks such as yours only helps to separate the gap even more. Racism is a learned behavior, and you have only helped to fuel the fire.

The fact that I'm white has nothing at all to do with my feelings on this. Racism will never stop unless we all work together to teach our children that it's wrong. Whether it's against whites, Hispanics, blacks, or Indians, it's wrong. Perhaps, in the future, you could refrain from spreading the problem.

I agree that Joe Arpaio must go.
Joe Saulen, Queen Creek

GOOD "HEAD"

360 degrees?: Thanks for the wonderfully written story on newcomer to Phoenix and Jesus Christ, Brian "Head" Welch ("Korn Free," John Dickerson, June 19). When a person makes a 360-degree change in their life and backs it up with action (off drugs, the orphanage in India), it's very refreshing and inspiring. Stay with the Lord always!
Sasha Michaels, Tempe

Well, almost everything: According to Brian Welch, "I don't look to this world's system as my source of provision anymore," and God "was telling me to give up everything, sell everything."

Apparently, God meant everything but the late-model 750i BMW and the 2,400-square-foot custom-built mountainside house with the pool. Not exactly the life of poverty that Jesus exalted.
Peter Hines, Phoenix

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THE REPEATER
THE REPEATER

Jed Browman, that you? Jed, 'member me? Yer cuzzin Zeke! Last I seen or heard a you, we wuz both on the lam fer doin' the nasty with yer big sister! Man, if'n only she hadn't squealed on us! And I don't mean like the squealin' she was doin' while we wuz both doin' her! By the way, she still around? Anyways, you shore picked a helluva place to lay low. If'n yer white in these parts, yer purdy much a safe bet to not git messed with by the law. But Jed, ya really oughta' not use yer real name. Try sumthin' a little less country, like say Oscar or Terry. I know, not real manly like the name yer Mama give to ya. She wuz shore proud when you showed up, even with 4 husbands and eleventeen other kids runnin' around underfoot. Anyhoo, stay cool cuzzin'! Look me up next time yer up fer some family fun, if'n ya know whut I mean!

Zeke Hootenholler
Zeke Hootenholler

Jed Browman, that you? Jed, 'member me? Yer cuzzin Zeke! Last I seen or heard a you, we wuz both on the lam fer doin' the nasty with yer big sister! Man, if'n only she hadn't squealed on us! And I don't mean like the squealin' she was doin' while we wuz both doin' her! By the way, she still around?Anyways, you shore picked a helluva place to lay low. If'n yer white in these parts, yer purdy much a safe bet to not git messed with by the law. But Jed, ya really oughta' not use yer real name. Try sumthin' a little less country, like say Oscar or Terry. I know, not real manly like the name yer Mama give to ya. She wuz shore proud when you showed up, even with 4 husbands and eleventeen other kids runnin' around underfoot.Anyhoo, stay cool cuzzin'! Look me up next time yer up fer some family fun, if'n ya know whut I mean!

Coz
Coz

>>Jed Browman, Phoenix

And of course his brother Jed, the other moron related the the guy above.

What a place Maricopa County....Where all the trailor park trash come to live.

What a dump this place is.

Coz
Coz

>>Mike Blatter, Phoenix

Now, here, is a real sick person....someone who all of Maricopa County can be proud of.

 
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