Is Dave Matthews the ultimate cock blocker?

Comments (0) By Cole Haddon Thursday, Aug 21 2008

Here are two situations you have probably found yourself in if you (a) have a penis, and (b) are/were not in a fraternity:

Chicks dig Dave Matthews (far right).
Chicks dig Dave Matthews (far right).

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Dave Matthews Band, and Robert Earl Keen are scheduled to perform on Saturday, August 23.
Cricket Wireless Pavilion

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Number one: While at a friend's generally lame party (he just played Journey), you meet a girl who looks as bored as you. She's beautiful, and that smile! Before long, you discover she not only likes football and your favorite team but also loves just about every band you've got in your car's six-disc CD changer at that very moment. Convinced nothing could go wrong, you ask her what the last concert she went to was and, with an earnest smile, she answers, "Dave Matthews Band." You, of course, blink. Then wait.

Then, with an awkward half-smirk, you ask, "You're joking, right?" But she's not, and at that point, this beautiful, once-perfect woman you wanted to elope with begins to tell you all the ways Dave Matthews has moved her. That, in fact, his music is like an expression of her soul. In other words, Dave Matthews knows her better than you ever could. After a few minutes of this, you ask, "Do you want another beer?" but slip out the back door and drive away.

Number two: After 20 minutes of making out and serious groping, you're fairly convinced you will have sex with your date tonight. But then, just as you begin to work her shirt off, she springs to her feet, as if the most amazing idea just popped into her head. You hope it involves rope and maybe butter (but not hot wax). Instead she asks, with unbridled enthusiasm, "Want to listen to some music?" When the acoustic guitar pours out of her speakers, your erection vanishes. She begins dancing nevertheless. She runs her hands over her sweater-wrapped breasts and hips, like a stripper might if she were stupid enough to perform to something Dave Matthews recorded. Your erection actually begins to invert, if that's possible.

After the song, she falls on top of you and declares that Dave Matthews gets her so fucking hot. She wants to fucking fuck you, man. You go on to try, but can't get Dave Matthews out of your head and, after 20 minutes of her twiddling with your flaccid member, agree it's best you leave. She later tells everyone you know about your "problem," and you decide to move to another country that doesn't care for Dave Matthews and his idea of music.

This is all Dave Matthews is good for: cock blocking. Unless, of course, you wear a ball cap, shop at Abercrombie & Fitch, and belong to a fraternity. If that's the case, you love Dave Matthews because you've figured out that, simply by bringing him up, college girls will have sex with you. In fact, the scientific journal Nature Nature Nature discovered that 89 percent of all unwanted, beer-soaked college pregnancies were the result of Dave Matthews. Another surprising revelation: Dave Matthews' high-pitched, whiny voice was the soundtrack to 79 percent of all fraternity gangbangs.

Normal men, however, have morals. Normal men know Dave Matthews' music is like Milwaukee's Best: It sucks, but women can use it as an excuse to do whatever they want without feeling guilty later.

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7 comments
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NES
NES

I don't know why people think all male Dave fans are fratboy types..

If anyone with a real soul listens to Dave's music they would know that he's an emotional man not afraid in the least to bare it all to those would have their eyes wide open to see.

What women like about him is that he is the ultimate "good man" because he is virile, fertile, in every possible way, he's not afraid to be very explicit in his explanation of why he loves women, and he writes a shitload of songs that basically speak directly to fans.. and if they are female, chances are a good portion of his voice and lyrics are connected to a direct line to the higher thinking, as well as the most basic desire to mate, baby, hard and long and uninhibited. Dave's eyes are seductive and his heart is on his sleeve in a good way, and even in pictures he can't hide his true nature, which is a fully developed, intelligent man, soaked to the soul in raw emotion and passion.

It's not that men should fear for their own ability to get pussy if the girl is into Dave.. point is, if you are just looking for pussy then BE HONEST ABOUT IT!

Look at a girl like you are the hungriest man alive and she is a hot roasted chicken dinner with extra mashed potatoes and green beans. Better yet, you might want to try actually feeling that way about her, after all, if you are going to have a one nighter, you might as well go for it, love her throughly for one whiole night, give it ALL away, give it all up and fucking spend yourselves 150% with any girl you are with! Spread out your passion and show it to her, then roll it up and get in the saddle with her and RIDE buddy!!

BTW this was written by a female DAVE lover!!!

NES
NES

I don't know why people think all male Dave fans are fratboy types..

If anyone with a real soul listens to Dave's music they would know that he's an emotional man not afraid in the least to bare it all to those would have their eyes wide open to see.

What women like about him is that he is the ultimate "good man" because he is virile, fertile, in every possible way, he's not afraid to be very explicit in his explanation of why he loves women, and he writes a shitload of songs that basically speak directly to fans.. and if they are female, chances are a good portion of his voice and lyrics are connected to a direct line to the higher thinking, as well as the most basic desire to mate, baby, hard and long and uninhibited. Dave's eyes are seductive and his heart is on his sleeve in a good way, and even in pictures he can't hide his true nature, which is a fully developed, intelligent man, soaked to the soul in raw emotion and passion.

It's not that men should fear for their own ability to get pussy if the girl is into Dave.. point is, if you are just looking for pussy then BE HONEST ABOUT IT!

Look at a girl like you are the hungriest man alive and she is a hot roasted chicken dinner with extra mashed potatoes and green beans. Better yet, you might want to try actually feeling that way about her, after all, if you are going to have a one nighter, you might as well go for it, love her throughly for one whiole night, give it ALL away, give it all up and fucking spend yourselves 150% with any girl you are with! Spread out your passion and show it to her, then roll it up and get in the saddle with her and RIDE buddy!!

BTW this was written by a female DAVE lover!!!

Larz
Larz

Hilarious! At first, he was ok b/c the scene needed a new sound. Now, it's like nails on the chalkboard.

Stephen
Stephen

Haha, I thought it was funny. Granted, this guy Cole is going to go home later and slow jerk it to hentai porn, but still kind of funny. Seriously, is this an accredited news source?

Michael Trautwein
Michael Trautwein

OK, we'll put all writers in the same box as nerdy, pot-bellied, opinionated dudes who will use some stupid intellectual way of talking to a girl instead of music. Awesome, guy.

John
John

This article points out that the writer can't get laid, or is a weekly alibi for his lack of game. Why not make the example of Yanni? How many guys honestly admit without sarcasm he is one of their favorites? You might consider a weekend trip to Mexico. I heard Viagra is cheap down there.

Jeremy
Jeremy

This must just an opinion column where you write about and put down music that you don't like obviously... Simply, because there are no facts present here... We all have our opinions on bands or musicians that we somehow deem as talentless, bad for one night stands etc. and wonder often how they even got a record deal when another person you might know of didn't but thats just it, these are our opinions...

I'm sorry I wasted my time reading this opinion in writing. There's enough of this kind of flaming under every other rock we turnover...

 
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