By New Times
By Derek Askey
By Mark Deming
By Serene Dominic
By Jason Keil
By Robrt L. Pela and Amy Silverman
By Jeff Moses
By Serene Dominic
Guns N' Roses' management
June saw the release of nine allegedly mastered tracks from Guns N' Roses' mythical Chinese Democracy, fueling yet again speculation that the album might finally be released after a 14-year wait. Imagine how it feels to be Irving Azoff, whose Front Line Management is sitting on what could potentially be the biggest album of this or any other year of the millennium, but can't profit from it until a certain Botox-addicted frontman gets his shit together.
R. Kelly's lawyers
Despite the fact that jurors agreed that R. Kelly did, in fact, piss on someone in a homemade porn, they let him off because Kelly's superior legal team managed to convince them that the woman accusing him, who would have been a young teenager when the video was made, was not actually the person being, um, pissed on. Sounds a lot like "if the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit," doesn't it? Wonder how his lawyers sleep at night. In giant homes with eight-car garages, that's how.
It's not easy being Amy Winehouse. Even Amy Winehouse can't keep up with all the boozing, drug abuse, public brawls, and general mayhem that she's used to help the media shape her into a "celebrity." Want to have some fun? Collect photos of Winehouse from every month for the past two years, flip through them like a homemade animation book, and watch her deteriorate into the hag from Snow White.
Miley Cyrus' publicists
Seriously, how many more photos can they explain away before they sound as ridiculous as a Bush White House press secretary? Britney might be a publicist's worst dream come true, but one has to imagine these guys are getting a little impatient with the squeaky-clean pop-star with strong Christian overtones' inability to keep her clothes on when a camera is pointed at her.
Pete Doherty's lawyer
The only guy in music who likes to get arrested more than DMX is Pete Doherty. At least DMX is identified first as a rapper. Doherty is known first and foremost as the heroin and crack fiend, and is assumed to be a musician by people only because he appears in tabloid photos and is being called one by editors who, ethically, can't call him what he really is. Doherty's lawyer can't possibly make enough defending him to deal with his antics.
Radiohead's business managers
"Wait a minute, you're going to do what?! Let customers choose what they pay you for downloading your latest album?"
Don't ask us how he did it, but somehow Jamie Spears has helped turned Britney's life around without suffering a coronary in the process. Not that we want to have her life anytime soon, but at least the press swirling around her isn't helping TMZ and Perez Hilton get rich anymore. Next up, maybe he can get Jamie Lynn's career back on track, too? Easier said than done, of course.
Tommy Lee's penis
It might sound like a cush job, but think about it. Few gigs are as high-risk as this one, even if the perks are through the roof.