Squish the Fish

If it were any team other than the Arizona Cardinals, we’d say chalk up an automatic W against the Miami Dolphins, who’ll probably still be hapless despite the offseason addition of GM Bill (“Tuna”) Parcells (pictured in a typical pose). But these are, alas, our Cards, and they’ll be lucky to slink out of UofP Stadium sans scarlet Ls on their foreheads. There are oh-so-many reasons for pessimism, including 1) the Cardinals typically can’t beat a paper bag if it has a losing record, 2) it’s the Cards’ regular-season home opener, and the fans expect crunch-time mediocrity, if not outright failure, and 3) the Dolphins know that the Tuna will grind them into chum if they lose one of their few winnable games to a historical barking dog like the Cards.
Sun., Sept. 14, 1:15 p.m., 2008