The Golden Girls

The other night, you were taking your dog Sigmund for a stroll when you suddenly fell into a gaping manhole. You plummeted down the dark utility vault, landing on a springy, cushioned surface. In the distance, you could see a group of gymnasts exercising in a frenzy, their clean-shaven bodies squeaking like excited rubber chickens. You couldn’t believe your eyes. You had discovered the underground lair of the Shamed Division of U.S. Gymnasts, that group of athletes who were barred from the sport for actually having regular periods and for never having partaken in Summer Camp for Little Fascists.

That night, you agreed to give voice to their plight, and what better way than to sabotage the Tour of Gymnastics Superstars, which features Team USA gold medalists Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin and others body-rocking prefab routines to live performances by Disney Records acts Jordin Pruitt and K.S.M.? Wheeee-hoooo.