By Melissa Fossum
By Lauren Wise
By New Times
By Amanda Savage
By Jason P. Woodbury
By Troy Farah
By New Times
The Story of Hanukkah
Snoop Dogg as Judah Maccabee
Belle and Sebastian's Stuart Murdoch as Antiochus, ruler of the Seleudic Empire
Ozzy Osbourne as Mattathias
Amy Winehouse as Jewish woman
Scene 1 (A square in the center of Jerusalem)
Antiochus: Awe rite, listen up aw ay ye Jews. Aam in charge noo an' ah hereby forbid th' practice ay th' Jewish religion. If ah fin' it yoo've bin daein' aw 'at Jewish mince, aam gonna fin' ye an' aam gonna kill ye. Ah micht e'en kill ye anyway jist fur fin. Awe rite, ye thaur, ah want ye tae offer up a sacrifice tae uir Greek gods!
Mattathias: Naaaaaa fookin' wooooooy geezah! Mrrrff smmmrrrllmmffrr!!! I woo let him do it! Oy-oy-oyll fookin' kill th' fookin' bastard!
Jewish woman: Whoaaaaa, did Mattathias stab that bloke? Cheeky!! I, uh . . . Wow, that's uhhhh . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . .
Antiochus: 'Oly jobby Mattathias, yoo've pure dain it noo. Aam gonnae kill every lest a body ay ye fur 'at 'un!
Mattathias: Mrrfflll drlflurrl!! Luh-luh let's get th' fook ert uh eya!!!
Scene 2 (The mountains of Judea)
Mattathias: I-I-I'm abart tuh fookin' die, but uhhh, smmrrflll mrfffff . . . ah fookin' 'ell I need yaouwwww, son, an' yer men ter foight tha' fookin' Antiochus an' his fookin' army.
Judah Maccabee: No probizzle dizzle. I'll kizzle those mothizzle in they mofizzle assizzle.
Mattathias: Ah-ah-ahh are ya fookin' sure?
Judah Maccabee: Fo shizzle mah nizzle.
Scene 3 (The Temple in Jerusalem)
Judah Maccabee: Sizzle mah nizzles? Whizzle dizzle I tizzle yizzle?
Jewish woman: Zzzzzzzz . . . *snort* . . . whuhh, uhh . . . ohh, whoaaa, you totally wiped out that git's army.
Judah Maccabee: Ah knizzle beotch.
Jewish woman: And, like . . . ah flippin' 'ell my head, I feel totally cabbaged . . . but like, whoaaa, you rededicated the Temple and only had enough oil to light the menorah for one day but it lasted eight days . . . that's, like, a bloody miracle . . . whoaaa, have I been passed out for eight days?
Judah Maccabee: Thizzle rizzle, bizizzle.
Jewish woman: Brilliant! Can you light this for me?!