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Some people were put on this Earth to symbolize your total failure as a human being. Take Lance Armstrong, for example. While he was winning the Tour de France seven times in a row, you were breaking records for the most keg stands in a night. As Armstrong muscled through cancer, you were barfing from a hangover. Nice life.

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More About

• Lance Armstrong
• Tempe
• Tour de France
• Arizona Hemophilia Association

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Well, here’s your chance to use your drinking skills and become the hero on your own kind of tour. It’s the Tour de Light Rail. Here’s how it works: Spend a little cash up front ($20) on a pub-crawl tee and get killer drink and food specials along the multi-stop drink-a-thon. Participating drinking pits include Coach & Willie’s, 412 South Third Street; George & Dragon, 4240 North Central Avenue; and Urban Campfire, 921 East University Drive in Tempe. It’s also your chance to use your heroic physical capacity to consume ungodly amounts of booze, with all proceeds benefiting the Arizona Hemophilia Association.

See? Even you can be a hero. Suck it, Armstrong.