U2

Oh, the '80s, where have you gone? Back when Republicans meant well enough, U2 albums were badass, and every girl wore hoop earrings. Now it's almost 2010, and all we've got is teabaggers, No Line on the Horizon, and hoopfetish.com, which makes me feel like a pervert — all without a flying car to speak of. That's not a great turnaround in 20 years, but you have to give it to U2 for being the least disappointing '80s artifact. Their new album has a few bright spots, but just looking at the song titles is probably enough to tip you off that it's going to be rough: "Get On Your Boots" and "I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight" all sound a lot like something you'd hear from the old guy at the club who's trying way too hard to fit in. There are just enough highlights to give the band something to weave into its live act, which thankfully draws lots of material from their golden age.