Dear Mr. Funny Bathroom Story Man,
We are pleased that you enjoyed our bierschnitzel, even if you had to "muscle it down" as you say.
We must apologize for the inadequacy of our pornography. Who knew that Americans would find "penetration" so bizarre? Next time we will try to place something more to your liking in the bedroom drawer where we keep such magazines, under the folded clothing.
Alas, we do not believe that Mitzi "fished" a soiled tampon from a bathroom wastebasket, because (of course) we do not place such things there.
Perhaps you dreamed this while passed out on our bed. After you had been absent from our table for twenty minutes, we went looking for you. My wife found you asleep on our bed, dressed only in your underpants, with a "turban" of toilet paper wrapped around your head. When she saw that you had also made the pee-pee there, she wanted to call the police. I said no, you were our guest, and had simply drank too much. You did not speak much the following morning when you left, so perhaps you have forgotten this.
Sincerely, Your Hosts,
Kurt & Greta Schnur
P.S. Surely the delightful Emil Pulsifer would not abuse our hospitality thus? ;)