Ms. Mute: When someone — even a lowly waitress! — looks at you and asks you a question, the polite thing to do is answer. Sometimes, when a waitress asks a couple whether they want a drink, one person (usually the woman) won't answer. Not only will Ms. Mute not answer, she won't even look her waitress in the eye. Ms. Mute will usually tell the person she's with what she wants to drink. That person (usually the boyfriend or husband) will relay the information to the waitress. The worst? When there's a factual question to be answered by the waitress.
Waitress: Hi, there! Can I get you two anything to drink?
Jonathan McNamara
Read carefully or this could happen to you.
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Woman (to man): Do they have margaritas?
Man (to waitress): Do you have margaritas?
Waitress: Yes.
Woman (to man): I'll have a margarita then.
Man (to waitress): She'll have a margarita.
Annoyed waitress (to Woman): Do you want salt on it?
Woman (without making eye contact) nods without saying anything.
I've actually had similar exchanges. On multiple occasions. Despite the bad rep that waitresses get, we're not all like the ones who wait on George Clooney or Tiger Woods. We're not checking out your guy. We're not flirting with him. We're just trying to do our job and be friendly. Sometimes that requires smiling. So sorry.
The Flagger: These people are always trying to flag down the waitress in an obnoxious way. They'll yell, they'll call out "waitress" (tip: No waitress likes that), and they'll flail their arms as though they were signaling a 747. Your server will get there. Promise. But being The Flagger won't get her there any more quickly.
Reluctant Table Captains: When the waitress walks up to a group of people, looks one of them dead in the eye and asks whether they need anything, the person at whom she looks automatically becomes the designated "table captain." By default. That's just how it works, sorry. So, yeah, put your hand on the tray and swear yourself in, because at this point, you are responsible for managing the affairs of the table. Please try to keep all your drunk friends from speaking at once.
Stalkers: If a waitress asks you whether you want a drink, it means you're in her section and she's your waitress. Sorry, that's it. Furthermore, "What would you like to drink?" is a pretty simple question. It deserves a direct answer. An appropriate response would be something like, "A sloe gin fizz, please." An inappropriate response would be asking an unrelated question without acknowledging what the waitress just said. For example, "Where's the tall waitress?" Guess where she's not: Here. Look around — do you see her? No. That's why I'm waiting on you. Sorry that I'm not your first choice. Do you want a drink or not? 'Cause if you don't answer this time, I'm not coming back. You can wait another half-hour for "the tall girl" to come in, you can suck it up and order from me — the awful, short waitress — or can just go to the bar for your drink.
Harry Houdini: When you order a drink from me, please stay in the general vicinity. Nothing is a bigger time-suck than trying, beer in hand, to track you down for 20 minutes, only to eventually find you at the bar with a fresh beer. "You never came back so I got one from the bar," you say. No, asshole, I looked for you for ages, you weren't where you said you were going to be, and so I had to give up.
Max T. Out: If you're drinking, you should be sufficiently confident in your ability to pay up. I know these are tough economic times. But don't hand me a credit card that will be declined.
A Surprise Party: I used to find it quaint and charming when a customer would say, "Surprise me," when asked for his order. Not anymore. I've had one too many idiots who didn't like what I brought them. Rule: If you're not prepared to drink whatever I bring you — which could include anything from a can of PBR to a glass of Courvoisier to a sloe gin fizz to a cosmopolitan — do us both a favor and order a damned drink. If not, take whatever you're handed with a smile and refrain from complaining it's too fruity, too expensive, too trashy, or not the way you like it.
Shitters/Pukers: This should not require an explanation. If you can't control your own bodily functions, you shouldn't be in my bar.
Mr. Money Bags: The industry standard for tipping is about $1 per drink, or 18 percent to 20 percent on a credit card tab. Now, if you're ordering $1.50 cans of PBR, we don't always expect $1. If you're ordering top-shelf liquor, we might expect a little more. When your drink costs $3.75 and you hand the waitress $4 and tell her to keep the change, that is not an appropriate tip. Usually, we can tell when a bad tip is coming. For example, when a drink is delivered, and you say something like, "I'll take care of you at the end of the night," that is a signal that I will not be taken care of at the end of the night. Sorry, you are longer a priority. I know that trick, guys.
