On Lamanites and a Controversial Understanding of Mormonism

As you read this, my trusty burro, pigtailed chica and I are crisscrossing Aztlán researching Mexican food. So now is as bueno as any time to do some housecleaning for the columna. Hay que start with a letter from the Mexican's longtime amigo, William Lobdell. For years one of the most prestigious religion reporters in the United States, he's also the author of the touching, brilliant memoir Losing My Religion: How I Lost My Faith Reporting on Religion in America — and Found Unexpected Peace, a book the Mexican recommends as much as he does Herradura. He wrote in recently regarding my piece from a couple of semanas back theorizing why so many Mexis are Mormons:

The real reason why Mormons had such good luck at converting Mexicans is that the missionaries and even past prophets have told Latinos that they are the descendants of Lamanites, a lost tribe of Israel that came to America around 600 B.C. As a Lamanite, therefore, Mexicans are part of God's chosen people and very, very special and God has something incredible planned for them. This, naturally, is very appealing to people of poverty and hardship. Of course, recent studies show that Native Americans (North, Central, and South) come from Asia, not the Middle East. But this hasn't stopped the majority of Mormons from using the you-are-a-Hebrew sales pitch to natives of North, Central, and South America. And when those convert Mormons find out that they don't have an ounce of Jewish blood in them, they are devastated.

Gracias, Bill!

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On the other side of the Mexican Mormon equation is the following gentleman:

Your "understanding of Mormonism" is partially incorrect and frankly offensive. Mormon men do not dominate their wives. Mormons do not hate homosexuals or anyone else, for that matter. I suggest you do better research, and apologize in print for these untruths. Good luck finding the courage to do that.

Actually, señor, Mormons do quite hate homosexuals — otherwise, church doctrine wouldn't classify the act as a sin, or unnatural. But what do I know? My Catholic faith preaches the same pendejadas — and we protect pedophiles much better than ustedes, to boot. As for the husband domination? That's what makes your religion so appealing to Mexicans — don't start denying it now!

Stop the deportation of DREAMers! Faithful readers know that the Mexican's favorite cause is the DREAM Act, a bill before Congress that would allow young people who are culturally American to qualify for amnesty. The pinche Obama administration is now threatening to deport quite a few of them — my former intern Matías Ramos, Marlen Moren of Tucson, and even a gabacho: Ivan Nikolov, a 22-year-old student at Macomb Community College in Michigan, who might be back in Russia (a country he barely remembers) by the time you're reading this. Fight the deportation of some of our best and brightest by visiting dreamactivist.org to learn how to raise the proper desmadre.

Contest alert! The Mexican doesn't mind pirated versions of his column, but he doesn't like when pendejos use his picture without his permission. See, the awesome artist Mark Dancey owns my pinche portrait, and he enjoys people ripping off his work about as much as Arpayaso enjoys following the law.

So, the contest: Anyone who rats out anyone who uses this column's logo anywhere in the world gets a free copy of my book. Send photographic proof of the piratería (previous examples I've seen is pendejos using the logo to sell Mexican food, beer, promote club nights and even as a phone card) to my e-mail or snail-mail address below. And for those of ustedes who won last year's contest — the Mexican mail system screwed up my deliveries of your free book, so they'll be coming in the next couple of weeks!

 
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5 comments
Me
Me

Brutal truth - Mormon doctrine is that "in God's image" means lily-white, and departures from lily-white are explained as being the result of other ethnicities having been disobedient to God. This is from the 1999 printing of Mormon doctrine -

"Racial degeneration, resulting in differences in appearance and spiritual aptitude, has arisen since the fall. We know the circumstances under which the posterity of Cain (and later of Ham) were born with the characteristics of the black race. (Moses 5:16-41; 7:8,12,22; Abra. 1:20-27.) The Book of Mormon explains why the Lamanites received dark skins and a degenerate status. (2 Ne. 5:21-23.) If we had a full and true history of all races and nations, we would know the origins of all their distinctive characteristics. In the absence of such detailed information, however, we know only the general principle that all these changes from the physical and spiritual perfections of our common parents have been brought about by departure from the gospel truths. (Doctrines of Salvation, vol. 1, pp. 148-151; vol. 3, pp. 313-326.)" (Mormon Doctrine 1999 printing, p. 616)

Embarassed for the Author
Embarassed for the Author

"Mexicans are part of God's chosen people and very, very special and God has something incredible planned for them." Hahahahahahahah!!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Bwahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Stop! You're killing me! That's some funny stuff!!! Who is this unread idiot that no one has ever heard of? Oh, wait a minute, this is the new times, that's why. I've been an active Mormon for 4+ decades and no one has ever told me about this incredible plan for the Mexicans that God has in store....???? Last I heard we were all children of God and as such equally entitled to his blessings regardless of our race or origin. I am actually one of those guys that taught Mormonism in South America for two years to those great people and those words never left my mouth nor is it a teaching of our religion. And as to your hateful comment about homosexuals, I have friends who are gay and we have many members in our religion who are gay. I appreciate your misguided and uninformed opinions though....

pegleg
pegleg

I don't mind you criticizing other people or myself. Just if you do this then you should be able to let people criticize you too.

Majkumajku
Majkumajku

this is true.when i was in grade school on the west side,there were always mormons doing their door knocking.i was at a birthday party,for a friend who was guatemalteco,and they came up to the front yard and began talking to his parents about them being part of the lost tribe of israel.of course they laughed and shrugged it off,being that they were devout catholics,and went back to the party.i asked them who the lost tribe was,and they simply said,"mot us,and not them".i wouldn't say that all mormons do this,but there are those out there who do.

Me
Me

Yeah, right. The Mormon church isn't homophobic at all - Which is why they funneledmillions of dollars into support of California's proposition 8.

Mormonism is racist and sexist. And the Mormon church is doubtless real thankful to the Catholic church for taking the (well deserved) pedophile heat off of them.

 
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