Montgomery Is Arpaio's Tool, Thomas Kisses the Mat, and More in This Primary Roundup

STEPIN FETCHIT

Stephen Lemons

Democrat for AG Felecia Rotellini

Stephen Lemons

Arpaio's new lapdog, Bill Montgomery

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As I watched the primary returns on Election Night at the elegant home of state Schools Superintendent Tom Horne's press secretary Amy Rezzonico, some pencil-neck pundit on the flat-screen opined that Bill Montgomery, now county attorney-in-waiting, didn't owe jack to his deep-pockets patron Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

Ffffpt! I nearly lost my Diet Coke through my nose. Doesn't owe Joe? After Arpaio spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to slime Montgomery's opponent in the GOP primary, interim county attorney Rick Romley?

Montgomery owes Arpaio like a bookie owes the mob. And Arpaio's strong arm, Chief Deputy David Hendershott, is the guy who's gonna come collect.

Of course, Chandler Mayor Boyd Dunn deserves at least a nice thank-you card from Montgomery. Dunn eventually left the race and backed Romley, but his name was already on the ballot. So the nearly 12 percent he pulled was 12 percent that wasn't going to Romley.

With the combined help of Arpaio's pricey TV buys and Dunn's imbecilic, short-lived candidacy, Montgomery scored 50 percent against Romley, whom many thought might take the contest on name-recognition alone.

Not bad for a human cipher whom practically no one had heard of before Arpaio backed him.

After the primary on his Sunday Square Off show, Channel 12's Brahm Resnik (no, he's not the dork pundit mentioned above) pressed Montgomery about being Joe's boy.

Resnik mentioned the infamous tape recording made by Maricopa County Supervisor Don Stapley during a closed-door confab with Montgomery. You know, the one where Monty suggests Joe belongs in a nursing home?

Montgomery was also reminded of his statement to Stapley that someone needed to tell Hendershott "no."

Could Monty really tell Hendy nyet, wondered Resnik? Crikey, could he look Sheriff Joe right in the snout and say, "Perdóname, Jose, no can do?"

"Telling people 'no' when it comes to drawing lines [on] my duties and responsibilities, that's really for me a no-brainer," Montgomery assured Resnik.

Funny, I never heard Monty say no to Arpaio's sleazy ads, something along the lines of, "No thanks, Joe, I want to win, or lose, on my own merits."

Nah, Montgomery did his deal with diablo. He's bought and paid for. Like Farmer Brown's heifer gone to market.

The hapless county Dems failed to field a candidate in the race, so Montgomery will two-step to victory in November, unless in a fit of mass psychosis (or clarity, depending on your POV), the voting public goes mad for Libertarian Michael Kielsky.

Between November 2, 2010, and 2012, when he'll be up for re-election, should Monty show an ounce of spine, Arpaio & Co. will have another Stepin Fetchit lined up to replace him.

County Republicans? They mostly march in lockstep with Arpaio these days, as long as he continues to persecute Messcans. Monty knows he has to kiss the boot heels of our decrepit top constable and his chief deputy or retire to private practice. There is no other option.

So let the indictments of county officials begin anew! I feel bad for 'em, but at least Monty's antics will mean job security for one rogue columnist I know.

SCHADENFREUDE

There was much to delight in, as a writer, from the election returns, and on a personal level as well. Not the least of these was watching former Sith Lord and ex-Maricopa County Attorney Andrew Thomas pull his version of the Edmund Fitzgerald. But more on that in a sec.

The most pleasurable experience, by far, was watching Barry Wong come in dead last in the GOP primary for Corporation Commission.

Wong, a backstabbing hypocrite who, despite being the son of immigrants and apparently a recipient of birthright citizenship (you know, the thing in the 14th Amendment that tuskers want to do away with), suggested that Arizona cut off utilities to anyone here sans docs.

Maybe his fellow Repubs didn't vote for him because they regarded him an "anchor baby." Ah, sweet irony.

Delicious as well were the wins of GOP wanna-be state Treasurer Doug Ducey, CD3 Republican Ben Quayle, and CD8 wingnut dark horse Jesse Kelly.

Kelly turned out Republican establishment fave Jonathan Paton, and even Kelly's own party reckons he'll be clobbered by Democratic Congresswoman Gabby Giffords. Thus, the Dems hold fast to at least one U.S. House seat.

Ducey is a fraud, a guy who's skipped on paying his property taxes, refuses to fully disclose his financial holdings, and whose record as CEO of ice cream behemoth Cold Stone Creamery has been compared by detractors to that of a Ponzi scheme practitioner. Democrat Andrei Cherny will devour him like a pint of Ben & Jerry's.

Obama-bashing, a fresh face, and a marquee name allowed Dan Quayle's boy to eke out a win in a crowded Republican ticket. And I wouldn't be shocked if it carried him to victory in conservative CD3.

But what Democrat Jon Hulburd can count on is this: Anyone who used to slum it with The Dirty's Nik Richie and purportedly pen articles under the Boogie Nights pseudonym "Brock Landers" has other skeletons or Clinton-esque bimbo eruptions on stand-by.

What Hulburd needs is a few choice pics of "Landers" doing a bong hit — or worse — and the race is over. Get those private detectives digging, man!