How to Speak Republican

Jews: The guys who killed Christ. Occasionally have the audacity to apply for membership in your country club, despite genetic deficiencies and an inadequate short game.

Job Creators: People who pay half the tax rate you do because God likes them way better. Deserving of further deductions because the gardener is asking for $4.25 an hour and Sundays off.

Lamestream Media: All media with the exception of Fox News, the Wall Street Journal, and the non-gay parts of PornHub.com. Note: Gay parts can be mildly educational if your wife's at Bible study and the door is locked.

Liberal Agenda: Set of effete East Coast values written by Sean Penn and the Dixie Chicks to destroy the American family by getting our children to suck at math and listen to John Mayer.

Liberal Elite: Immoral foe nearly crushed to extinction by the superiority of the conservative agenda. Membership believed to consist of three elderly men recently expelled from the Newport Yacht club for publicly expressing fond memories of Roosevelt.

Muslims: Swarthy apostates who hate freedom. Believe that blowing up grandmas and blond children will be rewarded with 72 virgins in a jacuzzi suite at the Heaven Best Western. Covert cells mostly operating in Iran and the U.S. State Department.

Obamacare: Theory that all Americans deserve health coverage, when they could just as easily rub some dirt on it.

Radical Feminists: Secret cabal of WNBA season ticketholders seeking to usurp the natural role of men as the boss of everything. Need to shut up and vacuum the living room.

Science: Discredited field of study practiced by sissies at northern liberal arts schools that suck at football.

Second Amendment: The God-given right to carry an assault rifle to Sunday brunch at Applebee's just in case there's a kid wearing a hoodie.

Tea Party: People who hate socialism and government entitlements but live off Social Security and Medicare because stuff like that doesn't really count.

Traditional Marriage: A union between a man and woman who argue over a period of three to seven years, then separate and file unflattering paperwork about each other. Repeat cycle as necessary.

Values Voters: People willing to be economically sodomized as long as we keep bagging on the homos and the wetbacks.

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40 comments
katieannieoakley
katieannieoakley

Obviously, the right doesn't enjoy taking the same medicine they've been spoon-feeding the left for years... poor babies. 

 

It's SATIRE - that means its biting humor. Deal with it, or develop a personality.

tomphrey1
tomphrey1

More blah blah blah from a comsoclibprog publication.  And, contrary to their statement, my boots do perfectly match my firearm.

tincatt
tincatt

The New times is a crap freebie newspaper that has tried to be "hip" for over 30 years. The back page is full of illegal ads. for prostitutes. 

That being said you can stuff your "articles" where the sun don't shine.

Pakrat4ever
Pakrat4ever

I always wondered how to speak Republican, and now I know.  Great definitions of their vocabulary, and how their thought processes work. And now I know why their Party is so screwed up.

Rob James
Rob James

Wow...a little party biased, are we??

Rob James
Rob James

Wow...a little party biased, are we??

restitutiontouscitizensfirst
restitutiontouscitizensfirst

PH, never heard of Stephanie Miller but am looking her up.  I thought that was Lutheran foreplay - oh yeah, same thing anymore huh?  Rmoney & aynR. 

 

Since nobody has put their platform in writing how they will tackle creation of sustainable wage jobs on US soil for workers already here so that we might evaluate the most important thing I figure that Roseanne Barr is most viable candidate.  Real Simple Math - Unemployment is 49%!

Gina Wilkinson-Montague
Gina Wilkinson-Montague

lulz! very MSNBC-worthy! can't wait to see your guide to speaking Democrat, for the DNC.

Gina Wilkinson-Montague
Gina Wilkinson-Montague

lulz! very MSNBC-worthy! can't wait to see your guide to speaking Democrat, for the DNC.

papahutch2000
papahutch2000

We need to find copies of the "Republican Sex Manual" published during Poppy Bush's time, along with "Bushisms" --"what we need is to pull back the choke on the economy"  , this from pilot shot down twice who was confused about throttle and choke.  Anyway, repubublican foreplay is folding your chinos neatly and hanging them on the back of the chair.  It explains bunches, like how a good catholic like ryan can be married 13 years and have only three children.

Flyer9753
Flyer9753 topcommenter

ROFLMFAO!!!!

 

The best and most accurate article I have read anywhere in a long time!!

restitutiontouscitizensfirst
restitutiontouscitizensfirst

Magic Vagina Death Venom  

 

"Unless you've been in a soundproof booth for the past three days (lucky you), you've probably heard a lot about this mysterious chemical that women can produce on demand to prevent them from becoming pregnant. For centuries, women have, according to anti-choicers, been able to ward off becoming impregnated by their rapists by emitting this substance during their rape. Despite being a miracle of science and biology, we've never known its name. Until now."

 

You can buy on e-bay today!

 

http://www.ebay.com/itm/251136533193?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1555.l2649#ht_911wt_1271

 

coyote_slim
coyote_slim

Pete? You forgot 'legitimate rape'. 

AZindependent
AZindependent

Wow. Good thing you're not just spewing one-sided, political rhetoric and bashing opposing opinions.  'Cause that would make you just like Fox News...

Flyer9753
Flyer9753 topcommenter

 @twelvestepreaper 

 

awww... would you like some cheese with that whine? Or would you prefer a pacifier?

katieannieoakley
katieannieoakley

 @AZindependent Good God, there can't BE any other opinion other than the GOP point of view, now can there? Go back to your white hood.

soulsaje
soulsaje

 @AZindependent Yeah, I wouldn't be making the comparison to FOX if I were you.  FOX News is the ONLY agency of its kind that's gone to court for the right to lie and CALL it "news."

Norritt1
Norritt1

 @AZindependent the thing is fox says its fair and balanced when it's obviously not if they just said that they were writing and reporting their stories from a right wing perspective id have more respect for them. this article is not serious at all it has a satirical tone which is systemically obvious by the obtuse exageration  and humor used throughout it.

shadeaux14
shadeaux14

 @AZindependent In case you're too thick to realize it, the article is satirical. This is what makes you a devotee of Fox News.

katieannieoakley
katieannieoakley

 @twelvestepreaper Yeah, Satire. 

 

The same way Rush Limbaugh can use the word "retard" - its "Satire", right? At least it is, according to Rush and Palin.  

 

NOT-so-thinly veiled opinions driven within a radio "Entertainment" show.

Flyer9753
Flyer9753 topcommenter

 @twelvestepreaper 

 

Lol - keep waiting. Hope your not holding your breath too, don't want to see you pass out. Everyone knows it's the Republicants who are so whacked and out of time they need translators to be understand.

duelly2003
duelly2003

 @Norritt1  @AZindependent Everyone knows Fox is for the right winged people out there. The pundits at Fox make it very clear what they are doing.   Every episode of Hannity starts with him telling everyone how he going to be ripping into the president for the whole hour.  Whereas other networks do exactly what Phoenix New Times does, but they dont admit to being hardcore liberal and spinning the news, which I think makes them far more dangerous. CNN made the right choice to move their headquarters out of NY, but they're still not as close to the middle as they should be.

duelly2003
duelly2003

 @shadeaux14  @AZindependent Nothing that the Phoenix New Times produces is balanced.  Even with this being a satire, Shadeaux, you would still never find a satire with the same venomous hatred being spewed toward left/dems in any Phoenix New Times article.  They dangerously and irresponsibly try to pass this kind of demonizing garbage on as journalism.

Norritt1
Norritt1

 @duelly2003  @AZindependent 

no they do dont do they or do they not use the term fair and balanced as their slogan?

this is a yes or no question they obv. do and being fair and balanced would mean giving both sides of issues

i dont think words mean what you think they mean

 
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