How to Speak Republican

Next week, the Republican Party will convene in Tampa to plot world domination. And you're feeling left out.

Yes, you badly want in on the ground floor of the next culture war or invasion of a small, preferably Muslim, country. Yet the GOP speaks in an elusive language only its followers understand. With just a few coded words, it's able to mobilize the loyalists — while simultaneously dismissing everyone else as un-American and quite possibly queer.

Rosetta Stone offers no help, for this is a dialect only deciphered with written authorization from Jesus or Goldman Sachs. You worry the march to godliness will go forth without you. You'll be left behind with Rosie O'Donnell and those eco-fairies who bicycle to work.

Yet a recently leaked glossary lays bare the mystery of the Republican tongue. Now you too can speak with the superiority of talk radio hosts and pissed-off old guys who live in mobile-home parks. Enjoy your seat at the right hand of God!

Abortion: Reproductive issue best decided by preachers from rural Georgia who believe babies are conceived by using public restrooms.

American: True patriot who hates all the right things, including but not exclusive to: taxes, un-breaded chicken, California, female sportscasters, the Toyota Prius, people who speak Mexican, BET, free-range vegetables, public radio, Al Sharpton, whales . . .

Apologizing: The treasonous admission that America is not always perfect. Usually committed by people who can't even tastefully match their cowboy boots with their firearms.

Bain Capital: Massachusetts investment firm celebrated for providing investors with huge returns by laying off thousands of workers, cutting healthcare benefits, and shipping jobs to those places where foreigners live. Will serve as the model for U.S. economic recovery once the infidel is smitten.

Barack Hussein Obama: Muslim foreigner illegally elected president to pursue the socialist agenda of Karl Marx, regarded as the least funny brother of the famed comedic troupe.

Bible: Historical novel starring omnipotent being who sentences others to eternal damnation unless they do what he says. Think of Pat Robertson, only with a hillbilly beard and the ability to part seas.

Chick-fil-A: Baptist version of eating kosher. Only sells chickens that have provided a documented history of heterosexuality to a commission of small-town Chamber of Commerce officials.

Christian: GOP delegate who's devoted his life to Jesus, handguns and repealing the Clean Water Act. Will be doing missionary work at Tampa gentlemen's clubs next week. At least that's what he'll tell his wife when the MasterCard bill arrives, LOL!

Christian Persecution: When school board bars teacher from conducting faith-healing sessions in his seventh-grade biology class.

Class Warfare: Indefensible act of pitting America against the wealthy, but perfectly reasonable when mocking moms on welfare so they'll finally learn not to wear spandex with a butt that size.

College: American version of Maoist re-education camp, where liberal professors encourage impressionable youth to enjoy critical thinking, Jäger shots and recreational intercourse.

Constitutional Conservatism: Belief that our founding document should be strictly interpreted — even though it was written by guys who wore wigs and capri pants but were definitely not trannies, since that hadn't even been invented yet.

Corporation: Most evolved species of mammal. Designated by Supreme Court as the legal equivalent to people, only better because it can afford to buy congressmen and box seats at big sporting events.

Entitlement Society: Large corporations who demand public subsidies every time they build a facility, move their headquarters, or threaten to relocate to Botswana or Mississippi. Wait. No. Scratch that.

Environment: Convenient place to dump car batteries and kitchen appliances. While lame-stream media insists on its preservation, studies by the business faculty at Liberty University business faculty prove that beavers actually like swimming in hydrochloric acid because it improves their skin tone.

Evolution: Fraudulent theory that man evolved from ape. Have you ever seen an ape with jugs like Jessica Simpson's?

Feminazis: Ingrate women who use the word "Ewwww!" when Rush Limbaugh tries to buy them a Sex on the Beach at hotel bars in Boca Raton.

Food Stamp President: Did we mention that Obama's a negro? And that he's probably a Muslim?

Founding Fathers: Early visionaries who built a start-up country to escape the tyranny of England. Based on the theory that we could more cost-effectively do our own tyranny.

Free Market: Utopian world where corporations are allowed to conduct business without interference from price fixing, consumer protection, or child labor laws.

Global Warming: Theory shared by 99 percent of the world's scientists that man-made pollution is warming the Earth's atmosphere. Easily discredited by pointing to that one day in February when it was pretty cold.

Gotcha Journalism: Shameful media practice using duplicitous interview tactics — often called "questions" — to get vice presidential candidates to admit they can't read.

Homosexual agenda: Conspiracy co-chaired by Satan and Neil Patrick Harris to convince America's youth to quit football and pursue careers as botanists and defense lawyers.

Illegals: American slang for "Mexican." Also: Anyone skilled in the operation of a leaf blower.

Jesus: Celebrated ancient deity who preached that "the poor should get a damned job already" and that all human suffering could be averted by simply lowering the capital gains tax.

Jews: The guys who killed Christ. Occasionally have the audacity to apply for membership in your country club, despite genetic deficiencies and an inadequate short game.

Job Creators: People who pay half the tax rate you do because God likes them way better. Deserving of further deductions because the gardener is asking for $4.25 an hour and Sundays off.

Lamestream Media: All media with the exception of Fox News, the Wall Street Journal, and the non-gay parts of PornHub.com. Note: Gay parts can be mildly educational if your wife's at Bible study and the door is locked.

Liberal Agenda: Set of effete East Coast values written by Sean Penn and the Dixie Chicks to destroy the American family by getting our children to suck at math and listen to John Mayer.

Liberal Elite: Immoral foe nearly crushed to extinction by the superiority of the conservative agenda. Membership believed to consist of three elderly men recently expelled from the Newport Yacht club for publicly expressing fond memories of Roosevelt.

Muslims: Swarthy apostates who hate freedom. Believe that blowing up grandmas and blond children will be rewarded with 72 virgins in a jacuzzi suite at the Heaven Best Western. Covert cells mostly operating in Iran and the U.S. State Department.

Obamacare: Theory that all Americans deserve health coverage, when they could just as easily rub some dirt on it.

Radical Feminists: Secret cabal of WNBA season ticketholders seeking to usurp the natural role of men as the boss of everything. Need to shut up and vacuum the living room.

Science: Discredited field of study practiced by sissies at northern liberal arts schools that suck at football.

Second Amendment: The God-given right to carry an assault rifle to Sunday brunch at Applebee's just in case there's a kid wearing a hoodie.

Tea Party: People who hate socialism and government entitlements but live off Social Security and Medicare because stuff like that doesn't really count.

Traditional Marriage: A union between a man and woman who argue over a period of three to seven years, then separate and file unflattering paperwork about each other. Repeat cycle as necessary.

Values Voters: People willing to be economically sodomized as long as we keep bagging on the homos and the wetbacks.

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39 comments
katieannieoakley
katieannieoakley

Obviously, the right doesn't enjoy taking the same medicine they've been spoon-feeding the left for years... poor babies. 

 

It's SATIRE - that means its biting humor. Deal with it, or develop a personality.

tomphrey1
tomphrey1

More blah blah blah from a comsoclibprog publication.  And, contrary to their statement, my boots do perfectly match my firearm.

tincatt
tincatt

The New times is a crap freebie newspaper that has tried to be "hip" for over 30 years. The back page is full of illegal ads. for prostitutes. 

That being said you can stuff your "articles" where the sun don't shine.

Pakrat4ever
Pakrat4ever

I always wondered how to speak Republican, and now I know.  Great definitions of their vocabulary, and how their thought processes work. And now I know why their Party is so screwed up.

Rob James
Rob James

Wow...a little party biased, are we??

Rob James
Rob James

Wow...a little party biased, are we??

restitutiontouscitizensfirst
restitutiontouscitizensfirst

PH, never heard of Stephanie Miller but am looking her up.  I thought that was Lutheran foreplay - oh yeah, same thing anymore huh?  Rmoney & aynR. 

 

Since nobody has put their platform in writing how they will tackle creation of sustainable wage jobs on US soil for workers already here so that we might evaluate the most important thing I figure that Roseanne Barr is most viable candidate.  Real Simple Math - Unemployment is 49%!

Gina Wilkinson-Montague
Gina Wilkinson-Montague

lulz! very MSNBC-worthy! can't wait to see your guide to speaking Democrat, for the DNC.

Gina Wilkinson-Montague
Gina Wilkinson-Montague

lulz! very MSNBC-worthy! can't wait to see your guide to speaking Democrat, for the DNC.

papahutch2000
papahutch2000

We need to find copies of the "Republican Sex Manual" published during Poppy Bush's time, along with "Bushisms" --"what we need is to pull back the choke on the economy"  , this from pilot shot down twice who was confused about throttle and choke.  Anyway, repubublican foreplay is folding your chinos neatly and hanging them on the back of the chair.  It explains bunches, like how a good catholic like ryan can be married 13 years and have only three children.

Flyer9753
Flyer9753 topcommenter

ROFLMFAO!!!!

 

The best and most accurate article I have read anywhere in a long time!!

restitutiontouscitizensfirst
restitutiontouscitizensfirst

Magic Vagina Death Venom  

 

"Unless you've been in a soundproof booth for the past three days (lucky you), you've probably heard a lot about this mysterious chemical that women can produce on demand to prevent them from becoming pregnant. For centuries, women have, according to anti-choicers, been able to ward off becoming impregnated by their rapists by emitting this substance during their rape. Despite being a miracle of science and biology, we've never known its name. Until now."

 

You can buy on e-bay today!

 

http://www.ebay.com/itm/251136533193?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1555.l2649#ht_911wt_1271

 

coyote_slim
coyote_slim

Pete? You forgot 'legitimate rape'. 

AZindependent
AZindependent

Wow. Good thing you're not just spewing one-sided, political rhetoric and bashing opposing opinions.  'Cause that would make you just like Fox News...

Flyer9753
Flyer9753 topcommenter

 @twelvestepreaper 

 

awww... would you like some cheese with that whine? Or would you prefer a pacifier?

katieannieoakley
katieannieoakley

 @AZindependent Good God, there can't BE any other opinion other than the GOP point of view, now can there? Go back to your white hood.

soulsaje
soulsaje

 @AZindependent Yeah, I wouldn't be making the comparison to FOX if I were you.  FOX News is the ONLY agency of its kind that's gone to court for the right to lie and CALL it "news."

Norritt1
Norritt1

 @AZindependent the thing is fox says its fair and balanced when it's obviously not if they just said that they were writing and reporting their stories from a right wing perspective id have more respect for them. this article is not serious at all it has a satirical tone which is systemically obvious by the obtuse exageration  and humor used throughout it.

shadeaux14
shadeaux14

 @AZindependent In case you're too thick to realize it, the article is satirical. This is what makes you a devotee of Fox News.

katieannieoakley
katieannieoakley

 @twelvestepreaper Yeah, Satire. 

 

The same way Rush Limbaugh can use the word "retard" - its "Satire", right? At least it is, according to Rush and Palin.  

 

NOT-so-thinly veiled opinions driven within a radio "Entertainment" show.

Flyer9753
Flyer9753 topcommenter

 @twelvestepreaper 

 

Lol - keep waiting. Hope your not holding your breath too, don't want to see you pass out. Everyone knows it's the Republicants who are so whacked and out of time they need translators to be understand.

duelly2003
duelly2003

 @Norritt1  @AZindependent Everyone knows Fox is for the right winged people out there. The pundits at Fox make it very clear what they are doing.   Every episode of Hannity starts with him telling everyone how he going to be ripping into the president for the whole hour.  Whereas other networks do exactly what Phoenix New Times does, but they dont admit to being hardcore liberal and spinning the news, which I think makes them far more dangerous. CNN made the right choice to move their headquarters out of NY, but they're still not as close to the middle as they should be.

duelly2003
duelly2003

 @shadeaux14  @AZindependent Nothing that the Phoenix New Times produces is balanced.  Even with this being a satire, Shadeaux, you would still never find a satire with the same venomous hatred being spewed toward left/dems in any Phoenix New Times article.  They dangerously and irresponsibly try to pass this kind of demonizing garbage on as journalism.

Norritt1
Norritt1

 @duelly2003  @AZindependent 

no they do dont do they or do they not use the term fair and balanced as their slogan?

this is a yes or no question they obv. do and being fair and balanced would mean giving both sides of issues

i dont think words mean what you think they mean

 
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