10 Phoenix Guys You've Probably Dated
For being the sixth most populated city in the country, Phoenix can really start to feel like a small town. Especially if you're on the dating circuit.
Depending on your "scene" and the part of town you live in, you're sure to run into — and probably date — one of these 10 Phoenix guys.
This $30,000 millionaire easily can be found at the clubs or poolside bars in Old Town Scottsdale. He sports designer apparel, deep V-neck tees, and loves to name-drop all the places where he gets bottle service.
He claims to know a lot about real estate, yet he thinks anything outside Scottsdale is "ghetto." When he's not Instagramming photos of his abs or his car, he's reposting photos of the unattainable women he's never going to sleep with.
Chances are you met him at an off-chain coffee shop like Lux or Cartel. Contrary to what he would have you believe, he puts a lot of time and money into looking like he couldn't care less. He sports well-worn denim, vintage apparel, thick-rimmed glasses, ironic facial hair, man buns, and, despite not buying into mainstream consumerism, all his gadgets are Apple.
The Sports Fan
Better cross-reference your personal life with the season lineup of all his favorite teams because those days, nights, and weekends are booked. The sports fanatic can reside almost anywhere in the Valley, but is usually found in stadium parking lots and the designated sports bars of his favorite teams.
Sure, it annoys you how he uses "we" when talking about the team, but it's nowhere near as irritating as that limited-edition jersey he spent $125 on and counts as a piece of evening wear.
The Sugar Daddy
After getting fed up with guys who can't get their act together, you let yourself get picked up by someone a little more "mature." He's got the high-end job, the nice car, a place in North Scottsdale, Paradise Valley, or the Biltmore area, and he takes you out to some of the most expensive restaurants in town.
And though it's nice to be showered with gifts, you can't help noticing he dates only women in their 20s. Eventually, he'll make some pop culture reference that only your dad would say. That's when the age difference gets old, if not creepy.
His frat days may be over, but the brotherhood is still going strong — as are the themed parties, the day-drinking with his buds, and his perpetual need to take his shirt off in public. With this Sun Devil, bros always come before hoes. So you'll be taking a backseat to all his man-cations, casino outings, bachelor parties, and all the texts and calls constantly going in or out of his phone. With the bro, even the mildest of acquaintances are "literally like one of my best friends."
The Red State Redneck
He's the embodiment of every negative stereotype about Arizona, but in your effort to give him the benefit of the doubt, you're slow to spot the red flags.
So he owns a few guns and he likes country music. You're not going to judge him for that. But after a few drinks, his political views come straight out of right field. Make that extreme right field. And just when you start to think this match couldn't be more misaligned, you notice the chrome-plated testicles hanging from his pickup truck.
The Vanilla Guy
His life is about as exciting as his cookie-cutter home or apartment complex situated somewhere like Chandler or Ahwatukee. He works a nondescript tech job sporting a generic ensemble of polo shirts, Dockers, and the nearly extinct phone belt clip.
He's the nice guy that your mother has been telling you to give a chance, and you agree, because lord knows you've dated your fair share of assholes. But after a while, predictability and monotony set in, and no matter how many romantic dinners he treats you to at Pei Wei or the Macaroni Grill, "nice" just isn't enough to keep your interest.
He can always be found out and about in downtown Phoenix — emphasis on out. Seriously, it's a wonder how this guy finds time to work on his "art" when he's always at some bar, music venue, or gallery show for one of his friends — you know, the one's who actually get work done.
While you're initially drawn to his low-brow aesthetic complete with gauges, tattoos, and a cigarette always hanging from his mouth, the underground glamor ultimately wears off. It happens somewhere between the point of him asking you if he can borrow some cash and you asking him what he actually plans to do when he grows up.
The Single Dad
You see his Facebook photos and at first you think he just has a significantly younger sibling. One that he's very close with. One that's in all his photos.
Okay, he's a single dad. But you admire a man who can step up and take responsibility. And while the crazy ex baby mama is no picnic, you enjoy being daddy's fun girlfriend. Make that baby-sitter. With single-dad dating, playing the field turns into playing house, making it a shock to the system for a woman who doesn't have kids of her own.
You're his number one fan.
Well, you and a hundred other girls. While you try to be the supportive girlfriend and make it out to all his gigs in Tempe and Phoenix, you find yourself fending off the many advances of girls who "just love his sound." But you don't let it get to you. After all, you're the only girl he actually wrote a song about. Or at least, you think it's about you. The lyrics are pretty vague...
Once the glamor of dating a local celebrity / aspiring rock star wears off, you quickly realize the band is his number one priority, making you a groupie first, and a girlfriend second.
Editor's note: This post has been updated from its original version.
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