10 Phoenix Ladies You Ladies Have Probably Dated
Until Arizona embraces ladies marrying ladies, there's gonna be a lot of outlaw ladies looking to embrace each other. So, if you're a lady who likes ladies, living in Arizona, and looking for love, chances are really good that you've either dated or are seconds away from dating one of these 10 Phoenix ladies.
See also: 10 Phoenix Guys You've Probably Dated
The Costco "Check-out" Lady Oh, you've seen her at the Costco on 44th Street and Thomas, lifting 50 pounds of dog food like she's picking up a feather, when really all she wants to pick up is YOU. Her mannish good looks and uncanny spatial skills make you question your sexuality every time you buy bulk! When she asks, "Do you need help out to your car?" while holding your gaze a little too long, she means it!
The Barista/Singer-Songwriter/Couch Surfer/Magician Yeah, she's hot, tatted-up, androgynous, sort of "in between places right now." She can make the perfect heart design in your morning cappuccino at Cartel Coffee Lab, blow away the open mic crowd at Terra Java with a song she wrote just that morning called "It's Not You, It's Me," and, if you play your cards right (or wrong), she will stretch her sexy body out on your couch until you ask her to pay part of the rent. Then she'll show you what an amazing magician she is and . . . disappear.
LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation) She's in your ASU Intro to Women's Studies class and took it with her boyfriend who dropped it after he realized chicks weren't going to sleep together for extra credit. She stays after class, wants to walk with you, asks you questions about Joan Nestle. "Do you say her last name like the chocolate bar?" And pretty soon, you're sharing chocolate bars in her dorm room and giving each other backrubs while taking turns reading Adrienne Rich and making out and, and, AND... Fast-forward five years: You're opening a big, white envelope with her wedding announcement in it. She's getting married to a dude! You'll want to say, "Ugh!" But that's what you get for dating a LUG.
Sporty Spice You've seen her at Mercury games and neighborhood bars. She wears a sun visor backwards and only indoors. She doesn't need to be protected from the sun; the sun needs to be protected from her. She played rugby in college and now that she's out of school, she leg-wrestles at house parties while slightly intoxicated. When she likes you, you'll know it, because she'll chuck you on the shoulder, call you a wuss, and then tackle you to the ground.
Academyke She can teach you a thing or two about how to Foucault. This overeducated, underpaid academic is teaching classes that have sexy -- and complicated -- titles like: Butler/Butler/Butler: Chambermaids, Gender Performance, and Poetic Satire Set in a (Post)colonial Lady Gaga Music Video. You can usually find her at Camelview 5 watching a documentary about art/death/the death of art/the art of dying while eating popcorn, alone, and loving every second of it.
Boy Band Is she a middle-aged woman or a teenage boy? Who knows?? Who cares!! Her swoopy hair, thin (no boobs) torso, low-slung jeans, and faded t-shirt all scream that she's got the right stuff! Maybe you'll catch a glimpse of her doing the Cupid Shuffle at the Cash Inn Country Bar, moving her hips like she has some, or maybe you'll see her at the Trunk Space checking out that cool band. Either way just remember: She is an adult woman dressing like a 13-year-old boy. Whatever that means to you.
SUS (Straight Until Socialite) She's at the SMoCA fundraiser, the Botanical Garden's gala, the One n Ten mixer. She's everywhere! Except for with her husband. That's right, you've heard of LUGs, and now there's SUSs (SUS™Tania Katan)! She's married, she's a millionaire, and she wants her filet mignon with a side of LADY. She knows that rich guys are boring and working-class dykes are a good time. In the middle of the gala's featured entertainment, she will be entertaining herself by chatting up the lesbian cater-waiter, gazing into the eyes of the coat-check dyke, or asking the museum's security guards if they can find her keys (then dropping her keys down her dress)! WhatSUSup, fancy ladies?!
They Look, shifting the gender paradigm is awesome, but does there have to be so many of YOU? Seriously, dating They is like a queer Who's on First sketch. Abbot: So, you dating someone? Costello: Yes, They are amazing! Abbott: How many of them are there? Costello: Just one. Abbott: I thought you said They? Costello: I did. They is who I'm talking about. Abbott: Are you dating a baseball team? Costello: They do like baseball. Okay, you get the point. You can find They at any cool coffeehouse, Critical Mass Phoenix bike protest, or public library. They are adorable and smart, but can't They just pick a singular pronoun so when we date They, we don't sound like we are dating and entire baseball team? How about Someone? Abbott: Who are you dating? Costello: Someone. Abbott: Ooh, mysterious . . . intriguing. Costello: They are.
Bi-Sexual She's super-hot and hangs out at Crescent Ballroom. Her straight women friends HATE her because all of their straight guy friends lavish her with attention. The guys love that she's a "challenge," her friends would love to pour their drinks on her ADORABLE faux hawk and watch it melt, and at the end of the night, she would love nothing more than to go home with you! Yeah, you. You know who she's talking about, right? You. Oh, not me, her? Him? They??
Creamy Cowgirl She's the Belle of the Cash Inn Country Bar Ball. She wears Wrangles with no irony because she is 100 percent REAL country, none of that hipster shit for her! She rides a horse to the bar, parks it at Food City, blows open the Trompe l'oeil saloon doors, and just stands in the frame of the door, framed in shadow, allowing her long blond horse mane hair to blow in the cranked up air-conditioning of the lesbian bar. She knows every single line dance, even the ones that no one else knows, and she's not afraid to jump in the middle of the dance floor and boot-scootin' boogie her way into your heart. Butch ladies, you will line up to ask her to dance, she will say, "No, but you can buy me a drink." And you will! Be prepared to cut a haystack and spend a stack of cash on cocktails with names like Creamy Cowgirl, Dirty Cowgirl, and Naked Cowgirl. Yeehaw!
See also: 10 Phoenix Ladies You've Probably Dated
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