Guys, we all know that bachelor parties have to strike a delicate balance. If you have too little fun, you'll feel like you're missing out, but if you have too much fun, you could jeopardize your marriage. Like the arguments you'll have with your wife, there's really no good way out.
For that exact reason, here are 10 guidelines to having the ultimate bachelor party, no matter who the groom is. We'll leave you to figure out the whole argument thing another time. (Hint: Just tell her she's right.)
See also: 10 Rules for Your Bachelorette Party
10. Avoid texting your fiancée as much as possible.
You're going to be spending the rest of your life (or at least a good stretch of years, with any luck) with this woman. So you can probably go a weekend without being in constant contact with her. Sure, shooting her the occasional text or call just to let her know you're still alive is totally cool, just don't have your eyes glued to your phone the whole time.
9. Choose a place that fits the group.
Not every group wants to have a raging bachelor party in the biggest clubs in Vegas. Sometimes, the right location for a bachelor party is a national park (for the outdoorsman) or a trip to a ballgame. If you know that most of the party isn't the type to buy $18 drinks or get a VIP skybox, then don't go to the type of place where those are the only two ways to have a good time. Don't force the right party into the wrong place just because you think it'll be more fun.
8. Schedule appropriately.
This is a mistake we see all too often. If you're booking the flight home for Sunday night, you might not be 100 percent at work on Monday morning. Instead of cutting into your bachelor party and trying to cram everything from a three-day blowout into a two-day trip, just try not to schedule anything terribly important for the morning after. If you can get away with it, tell your boss you won't be in until noon or so. They'll understand (if not, they're a monster).
7. Don't let outside influences affect the party.
Let's be clear, by "outside influences," we mean the opposite sex. Some influences (weather, financial situation, flight delays) can't be avoided, but almost every terrible bachelor party has that one dude (or several dudes) who's just convinced that this is their weekend to chase as much tail as possible. Realistically, it should be a time spent hanging out with your friends, and if girls come into the equation, then so be it. Just don't ruin the entire party because you think it's a failure if you don't get laid. (That's the easiest way to not get laid.)
6. Be prepared to spend more money than you think you're going to spend.
One thing that sucks about being a dude is that you pretty much never drink for free. Even the most awesome of men have to buy their own drinks most of the time, and that stuff can add up over the course of a bachelor party. There's nothing wrong with having a goal amount of how much you want to spend, but you should also be prepared to dip into the savings a little bit if that's what's required to keep the party going. If you're in a dire financial situation and can't afford an extravagant weekend in Vegas, then just have the bachelor party a little closer to home. There are ways to make it more affordable, but it's always going to be more than what you think it should be.
5. Have a plan, but be willing to change it.
If your friends are anything like our friends, going out with no plan at all means a lot of standing around and figuring out what to do. There are those who want to keep an itinerary of everything they "need" to do during a bachelor party, and those people are what we tend to call "awful fun-sucking monsters." Go into the bachelor party with some loose plans of what you want to do (bottles at this club, hike this trail, etc.) and then be totally flexible when the time comes to change it. Remember: "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."
4. Only bring people you trust.
Unless you're one of those dudes with a group of friends who have all known each other for decades and you're all best friends and going to be groomsmen at each other's weddings, there'll probably be some members of the bachelor party who don't know each other that well. The last thing you want is to be (possibly drunk) in a place that you might not visit regularly with some other guys you don't really know or trust. A good bachelor party can be a serious bonding experience, but one bad apple can spoil the whole thing. If the groom-to-be can't personally vouch for someone in the party, don't bring him.
3. Make at least one memory you'll never be able to tell your kids.
We're not saying you have to do anything even mildly illegal during a bachelor party, but there should be something that you wouldn't want to tell your kids or grandparents. You've got the rest of your life to be on the straight and narrow, you should make at least one questionable decision during your bachelor party. Plus, did you even really have a bachelor party if you don't have that one story that never gets told, but everyone laughs about for years to come?
2. Go in with no expectations.
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Bachelor party or not, nothing sinks a fun time like high expectations. The best times are generally the ones when you don't think much will happen. If you think a bachelor party is going to be some big Hangover-like extravaganza, you'll probably leave disappointed. If you go into it without expecting much, you might find yourself in a crazier situation than you could've imagined. And if you don't, you'll still have a really good time.
1. Do whatever the bachelor wants to do.
When you get right down to it, bachelor parties should really be about what the bachelor likes. Whether it's sitting around playing board games and drinking beer, going to a molecular mixology bar, getting ice cream, or streaming several seasons of Parks and Recreation on Netflix, a bachelor party doesn't have to be based around strip clubs and high-priced alcohol. It's the groom-to-be's party, let him have the party he wants, no matter how lame or outlandish it might be.