Courting Disaster is Jackalope Ranch's weekly column of dating horror stories, observations, how-tos, and more by Katie Johnson. Names of ex-boyfriends, past hookups, and bad blind dates have been changed to protect the guilty.
Oh, the breakup. Whether it goes down like a smooth operator or a jagged little pill, the breakup conversation is never a fun one. On the enjoyment scale, ending a relationship usually falls somewhere between getting a root-canal and running over your neighbor's dog.
See also: The 10 Worst Pick-Up Lines Ever
Whether you're the dumper or the dumpee, there's no denying that it's all downhill from the moment one of you says, "We need to talk."
While I could hardly say that any breakup lines are my favorite, there are definitely 10 that take the cake for being the most terrible. Presenting the breakup line breakdown:
10. "It's not you, it's me."
Holy duh. Fun fact: if you're the one ending it is always you. Always. Even if they're a terrible, unhygienic person who makes sexual advances towards your siblings and thinks maybe Hitler wasn't such a bad guy after all, you're still the one who's not okay with it. (And I don't blame you.)
9. "I feel like we've grown apart as people."
As opposed to growing apart as plants? By using the word growth you're insinuating that there's been some sort of personal evolution. His part-time job at Staples and her insistence on calling her father "daddy" say otherwise.
8. "I think we should see other people."
Translation: "I want to see other people. You might as well do that too, I guess."
7. "So where do you think this is going?"
Trick question. It doesn't matter where I think it's going. But nice try at that whole therapist angle, you turd.
6. "I feel like we're better as friends."
Because friends don't let friends sleep with just one person. To commemorate this newly forged friendship please accept this friendship bracelet which I will now choke you with.
5. "I feel like we're just in different places."
Correction: "I would very like to be in different places. Preferably as far as possible."
4. "I'm looking for Mr./Mrs. Right not Mr./Mrs. Right-Now."
Well, when you find them be sure to put me down as a reference, Mr./Mrs. String-Me-Along.
3. "I'm sorry, I just can't anymore." Can't what exactly? I feel like this line is missing something. Specificity, balls, something. . .
2. "I want to keep my options open."
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In other words, "You're cock-blocking me from someone better."
1. "I'm setting you free."
Thank you? Wait, was I supposed to be getting paid this whole time?