I knew I wanted to be in show business when I found out being a lawyer required too much acting. Playing one on TV is much easier.
The worst thing about being a combination writer/director/actor is all the juggling. I'm a terrible juggler. I'm always dropping things. I also have a big head; I mean, literally, a ginormous noggin. So it's very hard and sometimes confusing, switching hats all the time.
My worst audition ever was for the part of a grieving husband whose wife had been killed on CSI. Afterwards, the casting director said, "Let's try it one more time, and remember: Your wife has just been killed." Oh, sorry, did I not convey that?
The happiest day in my life was when my son was born. Tears of joy that day. I should have run right over and auditioned for the part of a man whose wife had just been killed.
If I could be anyone other than myself, it would be Dick Van Dyke; at least when I was younger. Then I wanted to be John Cleese and was devastated when I found out they already had one.
The unabridged secret of Hollywood is too lengthy to get into here — why do you think we're reducing it?! Basically, Hollywood is still a city of dreams. Largely unfulfilled dreams for most people, but still.
The one thing I absolutely refuse to do on stage is sweep up afterwards.
Something I have never admitted to anyone before is that I never, ever lie. Never. I never exaggerate, either.
Currently I am reading three books by friends of mine that all came out this summer: Schrodinger's Ball by Adam Felber, a funny romance about physics; Mommies Who Drink by Brett Paesel; and Reduced Shakespeare: The Complete Guide for the Attention-Impaired (abridged) by Reed Martin and . . . oh, hell . . . me.
The first time I got drunk, I was completely in control and absolutely meant to fall down those stairs.
Like my mother used to say, "Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night . . . at Completely Hollywood (abridged) at the Actors Theatre until October 1st! Get your tickets now!" Sigh . . . good old mom.
