The season premiere of Breaking Bad is a just five days away, and truthfully, it couldn't have come sooner. We've been crawling the walls since the climax of Season 4, and in the 10 long months between then and now, we've engaged in some pretty heinous, borderline creepy activities to keep the candle burning for our favorite show.
We've deluged Aaron Paul's twitter with requests to call us at the office and deliver a "What up, Bitch" on our voicemail (still waiting, btw.) We bought 10 pounds of blue-raspberry rock candy from an Internet wholesaler and one time, we actually trolled an El Pollo Loco drive thru and asked for Gustavo.
But even in the depths of our uber-fandom, we came nowhere close to the Heisenberg devotees posting Breaking Bad fan-fiction all over the Web.
We read them all so you don't have to (you're welcome.) But, if you still can't wait for your BB fix between now and Sunday night, we've selected three pieces of fan-fic to help you work through your withdrawal.
Warning: Past season spoilers ahead.
The Good - The One Who Answers
Avoiding the wishful, alt-universe hook-ups and Mary-Sue characterizations that are hallmarks of most fan-fiction, this story delves deeper into the back-story of Gale Boetticher - Walter's affable, dorky assistant who was offed in Season 3. This really is the best of the bunch, as it preserves the show's original canon while expanding the Breaking Bad universe for hard-core fans of the show.
Excerpt: "Gale spends his nights locked in the UNM library, leafing through textbooks on Organic, Inorganic and Physical Chemistry. At some point, he decides he likes Organic the best, but there's no one to tell this revelation to."
The Bad - An Arrangement
An ongoing theme last season was the struggle between Walter and Gus for the loyalty of Jesse Pinkman -- a fact not lost on the author of this short-fic. Bulldozing through all potential subtext, the author goes all 50 Shades of Grey casting Jesse as the submissive partner in a Gus Fring BSDM relationship. Yeah, we know slash stories are a huge part of the fan-fiction culture, we just figured that if Pinkman was going to switch sides, it might have been with Badger or Skinny Pete.
Excerpt: "He turns, a soft face with blue eyes, exquisite, clouded with grief that lingers and throbs between intervals of guilty physical pleasure. His eyes lock onto his employer. He awaits specifics."
The Are You F#@^ing High? - Braking Bad: Allens Attack
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This misspelled masterpiece might be the greatest thing on the Internet. In this treatment, Gus is out of the way and Walter White is retired, living a peaceful existence until an extraterrestrial race lands in the desert and hooks all of the ABQ on a chemically advanced super-drug. With Tony Soprano and the CIA on his tail, Walter has only one choice - to get back in the game and start cooking again for his reptilian overlords.
Excerpt: "Jesse was like 'Yo Mr. White, we're make fat stacks of chedder from this new porductyo' and then Breaking Bad said 'I think so my son' because Walter White adopted Jesse after season 4 happened so hes his son now."