Nice socks, dude.
Nice socks, dude.

Dicks Throughout Art History

Google-image searching wangs is all in a day's work here at the Phoenix New Times.

As a follow up to our list of top T&A Throughout Art History, this equal opportunity blog has turned its attention toward the penis.

Read on for an art history lesson, top ten style, on the dong.

10. Buy My Bananas by Linda Nochlin
Leave it to a feminist art historian to create this incredible photo. It's a spoof on 19th century French photographs which featured naked ladies holding trays of fruit ... get it? As you may have guessed from the body hair bushiness on this man, this photo was taken in the 1970s.

Dicks Throughout Art History

9. Target with Plaster Casts by Jasper Johns
Basically, this American artist's big contribution to art history was appropriating popular iconography into the snooty world of painting during the 1950s. So he messed around with images of the American Flag, maps, letters, numbers, and targets. He also messed around with wieners (he was a homosexual and dated artist Robert Rauschenberg for years). This work has a sneak surprise. Several, actually. The hinged doors running along the top of the image feature three-dimensional plaster casts of body parts. Oh, look, there's our no. 9 wang.

8. Fresco of Priapus, Pompeii
Pretty much any portrait of Priapus will do because this Greek God (aka Mutunus Tutunus to the Romans) of fertility had one defining feature: his beard. Kidding. It was his massive erection. That giant thing somehow helped him ensure his worshippers that they would knock up their women and grow luscious gardens. Wer'e thinking it probably also scared virgin daughters into chastity.

7. Vitruvian Man by Leonardo da Vinci
You really should not have to click this link to know which drawing we're referring to here. Now, this wiener may not be as obvious as the others but it's not without merit. Da Vinci is known for his anatomical drawings so we must include him ... for the sake of science. And, because he's rumored to have been a big ol' homo (God bless him) we look to him as a true expert.

Dicks Throughout Art History
http://www.travelpod.com/travel-photo/2totango/2/1260035015/priapus.jpg/tpod.html

6. Priapus (Reprise)
Aw, it's our old friend. This time around, he's been made into a figurine. A figurine that could easily be held in one's hand. For worship. Yeah, worship.

5. Constantin Brancusi
You have to admire this Romanian artist. He grew up rough as a sheep-herding kid until he ran off to the city at the ripe old age of nine to work at a grocery store. He carved wood obsessively until his employer sent him to art school. In the late 19th century, he moved to Paris, worked with Rodin and then ditched him to become famous for his revolutionary sculptural style. He's known for minimizing his figures to capture their "inner essence." And today, we can admire his penis.

4. Keith Haring
Right? I mean, come on. The guy was doodling ding-dongs all over New York during the 1980s. Take a look at this one. Sure, he's obviously focusing on quantity over quality in this work but, hey, give him a break -- it's an early piece. Later, however, he really reaches artistic maturity with this.

3. Thomas Eakins
This American painter had a thing for being as true to life as possible -- he's considered one of the most important realist painters in American history. And, since he was working from the late 19th to the early 20th century, he used photography. A lot. And he photographed naked boys. A lot. Just check out this slideshow of naked dudes boxing, bathing, pole vaulting, and more.

Dicks Throughout Art History
http://www.flickr.com/photos/gruts/442314069/

2. David by Michelangelo
Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy this close-up photo of the most famous dick in art history. No, wait, scratch that; the most famous dick in history -- just straight-up history. What is it about this work, done in the early 16th century, that compels us? The entire 17-foot tall statue shows a fine specimen indeed. But we just can't get enough of the crotch. Sometimes art is beyond explanation.

Dicks Throughout Art History

1. Adolf Hitler
Surely you've heard by now that this guy was a painter -- a shitty one. He was a complete failure as an artist during his lifetime but now his body of work fetches much interest. Thus, he's found his way into art history. Congratulations, you fucking dick.

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