Essential Fantasy Tips to Spice Up Your League Life
Why is this guy wasting Post-It Notes?
Time goes on. People change. The passion dies. We’ve all been there — stuck in a rut, wondering if our counterparts care as much as we do.
We’re almost at the halfway point of the football season, and chances are your fantasy league isn’t as exciting as it used to be. What happened to the intensity of draft day? Or the excitement of opening kickoff? Has it been dulled by the weekly grind of research or the monotony of lineup submissions?
It doesn’t have to be that way. Reignite the flame in your fantasy with these tips to spice up your league life.
Kevin has colitis and probably should stay away from popcorn.
Change your team name to an insult about whoever you’re playing.
The new team name can be something as simple as “Devon Smells Like Old Tuna Casserole” or the classic “Hey Stacy Your Team Is Garbage Trash,” but we suggest going for something more personal. Preying upon your opponents’ fragile mental states relies on destabilizing their cracked foundations, so be sure to exploit recent tragedies.
Example: If you’re playing Janet, you might change your team name to something like “Remember When You Got Fired For Drinking Too Much At The Office Party?” Or if you’re going up against Kevin in Week 9, you might make it “The Colon Crunchers” or “The 37-Minute Bathroom Breaks,” an obvious jab at his debilitating gastrointestinal issues.
Pour yourself a tall glass of whiskey, get your trigger finger ready, and spam those shit trades!
Initiate a one-sided trade offer for your best player, then revoke it before the other manager gets the chance to accept. Repeat until the season ends.
Find your highest scoring player and match them up to another team’s roster by need. Who would benefit from that player the most? Once that’s determined, it’s as simple as proposing a trade for that player and the other team’s — oh, I dunno — the kicker. Then right after you offer it, delete it.
When the other manager first receives the offer they’ll believe it too good to be true. Paranoid excitement might fuel a mad dash to accept it, so make sure you know the process and are ready to delete the request just as soon as you click “Propose Trade.” For best results, find out the other manager’s work schedule and try to hit them at peak hours.
You might get a text like, “wtf."
So you respond, “New phone, whos this.”
Then they write, “why did you offer that stupid trade.”
And you write “It seemed good at the time, changed my mind.”
Then they’ll send some combination of emojis that will translate into something along the lines of “Get fucked.”
That’s when you initiate the trade again.
Why is this guy wasting Post-It Notes?
Drop all of your players.
Mileage may vary on this one depending on your chances of making playoffs, so it might not work for you. Consult the village soothsayer for further counsel. But if you do want to go this route, know you’re essentially giving up hope of winning until the 2017 season.
It’s best to drop your players in the middle of the night on a late Friday or early Saturday. Pick up only the necessary players, waiver gems like Texans QB Brock Osweiler and Raiders RB DeAndre Washington. Watch the other owners swarm free agency like you just dumped a Costco-sized helping of chum.
The resulting chaos should jump-start the league’s fervor for a week or two. Hopefully, someone cries "collusion" and really makes things interesting.
"What the fuck am I doing here?" thinks the dude in the top-right corner.
Start a mutiny against the commissioner.
Sometimes nothing can get a party started like a little bit of mob justice. Put on your muckraking pants and get ready to monger some fear, because it’s time to get your hands dirty. It starts with a simple text message at first, something to spark everything off. Maybe you just gripe that the scoring system for the league sucks, or that the current commissioner keeps vetoing trades. If you’re feeling froggy, suggest that the commish is altering stats to suit their match-ups.
Send that message to a couple of people at first, and gauge their responses. As soon as you have two or more people who not necessarily agreed with you but maybe expressed some sentiment of uncertainty, go to the message boards and make a big stink out of something technical, like your lineup wasn’t saved or the app crashed. Go into a rant about whichever fantasy service you’re not using being the best, and that the current service’s parent company does not partake in ethical business practices.
Everyone will be shocked and left with no choice but to agree with you because your argument is so damn convincing. And then after you forcibly ouster the piece of shit who made the league boring in the first place, state you have no intention to take over or attempt to clean up the mess you made. Then change your team name to “Nigel Farage *sunglasses emoji*.”
If the firewall is impenetrable, correlate default IP system settings through source code relay providers. If you're having trouble, toggle I/O ports to circumvent threshold limits. Beware proxy restrictions, as always.
Hack the top ranked player’s account and bench all of his players on Sunday morning.
This one requires little explanation. Just loop a forcebreach script into the startup kernel of the Golden Child’s preferred device — laptop, cellphone, tablet, whatever. Make sure to customize the core execution to reframe its parameters to the correlating OS and route through traditional internal GPU/CPU exchange terminals. If the mark employs enhanced encryption protocols, bypass through a simple UI glitch that clones native user functions until compatible identification methods can self secure.
Now that the easy part is done, it’s time to do some “reverse research” and play the best manager’s worst players. Good luck!
Not pictured: Kevin, who probably shouldn't have suggested B-Dubs to begin with.
Ask if everyone wants to meet up and watch the games at a bar then have everyone beat the shit out of whoever suggests going to Buffalo Wild Wings.
This tip is sure to get everyone talking. Make sure to have a replacement in mind in case it goes south.
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