Five Ideas for a Kickass Divorce Party
Jack White and Karen Elson are getting divorced, and last week the soon-to-be ex couple sent out invitations to their closest friends and family to celebrate the joyous occasion on what would be their sixth wedding anniversary.
Like any good party, guest will enjoy "dancing, photos, memories, and drinks with alcohol in them," according to the invite, but "no plus ones or dead beats" are allowed -- there goes our in. And what a shame, divorce parties might be the best thing to hit holy matrimony since the prenuptial agreement.
Invite or not, we want the couple's last party together to be a memorable one.
Here are a few ideas Jack and Karen (and you) may want to consider for a totally kick-ass divorce party.
Golden Dragon Acrobats
TicketsSun., Mar. 5, 6:00pm
Frank Ferrante in An Evening with Groucho
TicketsSun., Mar. 12, 3:00pm
TicketsTue., Mar. 14, 7:30pm
The Doo Wop Project
TicketsSat., Mar. 18, 7:30pm
Stormy Weather: The Story of Lena Horne Starring Mary Wilson
TicketsSat., Mar. 25, 7:30pm
Okay, your wife caught you mid-thrust; cat's out of the bag, you're a cheat. But rather than a bitter battle in divorce court, admit you're a repeat offender, give her half of everything, and suggest throwing a party to say goodbye to your mutual friends.
Pin-the-tail-on-the-mistress is basically the same thing as pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, except you're the jackass, guy. Sure we all mistakes, and sadly, sometimes that mistake is a first wife. But there's no reason y'all can't have a sense of humor about infidelity.
Women, take a step further by substituting the "tail" with an old, shriveled ... you know, to poke fun at your soon-to-be ex-husband's erectile deficiency. Admit it; he hasn't been as good as the lawn maintenance guy since y'all were in college.
2. Gold Party: Turn Unwanted Wedding Bands into Cash
You're getting a divorce, there's no use for those wedding rings anymore. Jump on the jewelry train and turn a profit off that 14-karat gold wedding band that's been a major a cock-blocker the last 20-some odd years.
Selling and buying gold is hot right now, and an ingenious way to pay for expensive legal fees associated with the D-word.
3. Burn-the-Dress Bonfire
Bonfires are gnarly. There's nothing better than a group of friends 'round a fire sharing stories, drinking booze, and toasting S'mores. But keeping the flame alive can sometimes be a challenge.
Little known fact, wedding dresses burn slowly, and they have a small carbon footprint.
Your wedding dress has been hanging in your closet for a long time; you're never going to wear it again. Now that the marriage is over, and sentimental value has plummeted, burn it.
4. Love Stinks Costume Party
Encourage guests to wear costumes that represent heartbreak. Maybe the host couple could each wear half of a heart as a metaphor for how much they invested into the marriage.
Other ideas include dressing up like famous, divorced Hollywood couples, or really think outside the box and have the guy wear an Arnold Schwarzenegger mask, and the woman rock a housekeeper's costume.
5. Inflatable-Sumo Wrestle the In-Laws
Having shitty in-laws can totally break-up a marriage, but imagine how much fun it'll be to watch the husband duke it out with his father-in-law, or the wife sumo wrestle her mother-in-law.
Husband: Okay, you win, father-in-law. Your little girl's finally realized "Hippie Longstocking" isn't going to amount to anything. Hope you're happy.
Wife: Alright, mother-in-law, you can have your son back. That's all he's ever wanted, someone to be his mommy. Good luck breastfeeding him PBRs. Hope you're happy.
Gladiators ready? Contestants ready?
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