Five Things I Hate About Trick-Or-Treaters

​Halloween is one of my favorite holidays of the year. I love dressing up, carving pumpkins, and hiding rubber cockroaches in unexpected nooks in my house. What I don't love: People who make a mockery out of the sanctity of the holiday.

I'm generally a genial person, but come October 31st, unappreciative boo-humbuggers are the object of my vitriol -- especially those Trick-or-treaters who behave as if I don't have anything better to do with my time and money than sit by my front door with a bowl full of candy I shouldn't be eating.

Here are five things I hate about trick-or-treaters:

When my offering of sweets isn't enough: The kid who lingers on my doorstep with an open bag, even after I've made a candy deposit, is the target of my Halloween ire. Get out of my doorway you entitled piece of shit.

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Read more reasons after the jump.

When they don't say, "Trick or Treat" or "Happy Halloween" when I answer the door: The unwritten rule of Halloween: You dress up and give a holiday greeting -- I give you candy. Recent generations haven't received the memo. When I open the door to a symphony of silence and open bags, it's all I can do not to slam the door shut on their greedy little faces.


When they don't dress up: See aforementioned unwritten rule. It takes just a little time and imagination to come up with a trick-or-treat-worthy costume. Be a hobo, a gypsy or the "I like turtles" kid. Be SOMETHING!


When trick-or-treaters aren't kids: If you're old enough to get a job and buy your own candy, I don't think you should be taking mine.


When they double dip: How many half-assed pirates do you think came to my house tonight? I recognize you from an hour ago. By the way, too many mini-candy bars can lead to diabetes.


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