Every week, we're recapping Fuller House season two, episode by episode. Can't touch this!
After what's felt like an endless December, we're finally seeing signs of Christmas around the Fuller house. Lights, stockings, and a Christmas tree mean we're nearing the end of our time with DJ, Kimmy, Stephanie, and the kids. Lest you thought the nostalgia peaked at Thanksgiving, they packed in a doozy of an episode before winding down this season.
DJ and Kimmy are getting ready to head to their high school reunion.
Here's the thing though: They graduated in 1995, and this show takes place in 2016. So, it's their 21st high school reunion? What? Why? Who does that? No one addresses it the entire episode, let alone the fact that the odds are slim that anything beyond a 10-year reunion would actually happen in the days of Facebook.
Furthermore, DJ reads that she was voted "Most Likely to Marry Lance Bass" in the yearbook. Except, *NSYNC weren't really a "thing" until their self-titled album was released in 1998. We were willing to let the whole DJ's-birthday-is-actually-in-February thing slide last episode, but if you're going to bank your entire show on nostalgia, at least get it right.
Before they leave, they go through old pictures and boxes of memories, including an exact replica of Kimmy's light-up prom dress. DJ talks her out of wearing it, because this isn't a '90s theme party. She quips back, "our entire lives are a '90s theme party."
As they start to head out the door, Kimmy gets a notification on her phone. Her infamous nemesis Kathy Santoni has posted a timely meme captioned, "Garbage Bag Gibbler," which features Kimmy in a garbage bag after a prank left her without her clothes on senior ditch day. This nearly puts her over the edge, but DJ talks her down and they make their way to the party.
When they arrive, Kimmy goes into full peacock mode, making sure that everyone knows her *very successful* company planned the party. She manages to get some hecklers about the whole "garbage bag" thing, but carries on. Most importantly, she needs everyone to know that her still-kind-of-husband-but-also-fiancé Fernando is smokin' hot. He walks in, dressed in his racing gear, and reveals that he was stung by a hive of bees while he was waiting outside.
Kimmy tries desperately to convince her former classmates that he's usually super good-looking while his face is swollen and red, and he calls for a Lyft to the hospital.
Embarrassed, she tries to distract everyone by getting the music started. However, her DJ is (of course) caught in traffic and not there yet. She decides to plug in her '90s playlist, but accidentally starts playing a voicemail for everyone to hear. It's her doctor, and she needs to drink cranberry juice to flush her system and ... well ... you can Google it.
Needless to say, Kimmy is having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad high school reunion.
Meanwhile at home, the kids are celebrating a bevy of achievements. Max won student of the month ... again. Ramona was named one of the Bay Area's top 15 dancers under 15, which is definitely a thing. Lastly, Jackson managed to get all As on his report card, even though he's typically a C student. Everyone is surprised, but they congratulate him anyway and buy him pizza.
The kids gather in the kitchen for dinner, and Jackson goes to hang his report card on the fridge. Ramona asks him how he did it, considering she's never seen him study. Max also gangs up on him, saying he knows something is fishy. A nervous Jackson watches as Max explains that he found Jackson's original, below-average report card in the scanner. Clearly, this means that Jackson had doctored the version he showed his Mom. Embarrassed, he storms up to his room.
Stephanie comes to find him and ask him why he felt like he had to lie.
"Everyone in this family is a superstar except me," he whines. She tries to find things he's great at, but comes up short. Even the dog walks out when Jackson looks to him for comfort. Ouch. He begins to cry, claiming that nothing about him is special, and asks to be left alone.
Later, Steph calls him downstairs, where the family is waiting. Hesitant at first, he eventually caves when he finds out his girlfriend, Lola, is there. They surprise him with "The Jackson Fuller Awards" and rattle off some of the reasons why they're thankful for him. He seems grateful, but hesitant. Lola reminds him that he's her first boyfriend, and she's quite picky, so he must be special.
Also, he's a great kisser, and that's enough to turn everything around.
However, not without a token Tanner moral of the story: "When it comes to being a great boyfriend, brother and nephew, you get an A-plus."
Back at the reunion, DJ runs into her old boyfriend Nelson Burkhard (formerly played by Jason Marsden, but recast for some reason with Hal Sparks). Very little has changed (other than his face) as he brags about how many homes he owns and the kid of planes he flies. Furthermore, he's flying solo for the night, and always thought of DJ as the one who got away.
Not so fast, Nelson!
Viper (David Lipper) is also there, even though he actually didn't go to her school. He's there because he also feels like she's the one who got away, and knew she'd be there. Creepy much?
Let's just pause here and remember that a. it's been more than 20 years and b. DJ is a widow and a mother. How are we supposed to believe that this isn't super weird, especially when they can't even bring the original Nelson and his frog voice back for the full effect?
They start fighting over her (okay) when Steve walks in to rescue her. Relieved, she runs off with him and they find the place where they had carved their names on the gym floor. "Why did we break up?" he asks. DJ admits it was her biggest regret in high school, and it's clear that it's still a regret now, especially after last season's will-they-won't-they.
However, she's with Matt, he's with CJ, so the ship has sailed, right?
Not so fast. "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" aka their song, comes on and it feels like fate. They dance affectionately, and both say that they have something to tell one another. DJ almost blurts out her feelings when Steve beats her to it. "I'm going to propose to CJ."
No, Steve, no!
Shocked, DJ fakes excitement for him. He admits he started dating her because she reminded him of DJ (duh) but stayed with her because she's caring and funny and beautiful. "All the things I treasured about you when we were together." WHO EVEN SAYS THAT, STEVE? "I'm going to propose unless you can think of a reason why I shouldn't," he says. All right, that's enough, you tease. Stop playing with our girl's heart, Steve!
Hopefully this was the final wake-up call for DJ, even if Hunky Dr. Matt isn't the end game (and it's looking more and more like he won't be).
Before they know it, another dance sequence starts, this time to MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This" (of course). DJ and Kimmy set in the center of the circle, and DJ accidentally steps on the train of Kimmy's dress, ripping it and revealing her Spanx. Kathy yells, "Someone get this woman a garbage bag!" Typical Kathy, right? Horrified, she runs away.
Later, DJ finds her in the photobooth and apologizes for what happened to her dress. Kimmy laments that the whole party is a disaster, but she can't leave because she planned it. DJ leaves and a tall, lanky man pokes his head in.
"Excuse me, but we almost got married."
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OMG IT'S DUANE, a.k.a. "Whatever" Duane (Scott Menville). He looks and sounds the same and best of all, his vocabulary has increased! He went to Harvard and became a motivational speaker, taking the "whatever" mantra to the masses as a rallying cry to live your life the way you want. This inspires Kimmy, who finally emerges from the booth to reclaim her reunion.
She returns to the gym, dressed in a garbage bag, owning the "Garbage Bag Gibbler" title. She also invites Fernando out, still wrapped in gauze and still puffy from bee stings. She tells them she's not there to impress anyone, just be there with her best friend and still-kind-of-husband-but-also-fiancé.
"Even in high school, you weren't afraid to be weird," Kathy says, and the whole party cheers for her in a slow clap, high school movie style.
See you again in another 11(ish?) years or so, Bayview High School.