Fuller House Season Two Premiere: Boyfriends, Babies, and Oh (Kimmy's) Brother

Four's company.
Four's company.
Michael Yarish/Netflix

Every Friday, we're recapping Fuller House season two, epsiode by episode. Holy Rolaids, there's a lot to cover — and we're just getting started!

Hola, reader-inos! We know 2016 has been a roller coaster, but remember: We live in a world where we can start and end the year with new seasons of Fuller House. The wildly popular Netflix revival dropped season two on December 9, another 13 episodes of hugging, bad puns, and the Tanner/Gibbler/Fullers we've grown to love.

When we ended season one, it seemed like our ladies were poised to dump the drama and, as DJ put it, choose themselves. She decided to not make a decision between high school sweetheart Steve and hunky coworker Matt, letting them wait for her while she figured out when she's ready to date again. Kimmy left Fernando at the altar — well, sort of — not signing divorce papers in order to start new. Stephanie didn't have a man to mull over, but she did have to choose between her career as a ~*world-renowned DJ*~ and helping raise DJ's kids.

We pick up at the end of the summer, and DJ seems to have spent most of it alone with just Baby Tommy and Max. Stephanie was in her old hometown of London, trying to rekindle romance with another sucky boyfriend. DJ's son Jackson went off to wilderness camp and talked about all the ladies he had to "fight off." Kimmy's daughter, Ramona, went to dance camp and Kimmy ended up crashing it for six weeks because, oh well, guess she doesn't have to earn a living or anything?

Fernando returned from the very-fake-sounding race car driving circuit and — whoops! — he forgot to pay his rent all summer. That means he needs a place to live and the logical thing would be to move in with his ex- and future wife (same person). The sisters aren't psyched on it, considering a) how many people live there with so few bathrooms and b) how Fernando is the literal worst who cheated on Kimmy. However, Juan Pablo di Pace is now in the title sequence as main cast, so clearly it's a battle they are going to lose.

Deej plays The Dating Game.
Deej plays The Dating Game.
Michael Yarish/Netflix

In the midst of all this, DJ is preparing her End-Of-Summer-Back-to-School-Super-Fun-Barbecue 2016. You can take the Tanner out of a girl's name, but you can't take the Tanner out of the girl. She's invited the usual crew, which is to say, just her family and her suitors, Matt and Steve. During her summer of self-love (get your mind out of the gutter, y'all! It's a family show!), she decided which of the two she now feels ready to date. However, her over-excited "I have two incredible guys who want me so bad" was a sure-fire sign that things were going south.

They did, quickly, with both men confessing that after their initial heartbreak, they had set each other up with shiny girlfriends. And by the way, can these girls come to the party? Because that's not awkward at all. The new ladies show up as a frazzled Deej tries to make sense of it all. Matt's new girlfriend is a forgettable brunette named Crystal (seriously, we had to Google her name again because we forgot). She's young, pretty, and does gymnastics through the house. Hmm. Steve's is a little more on the nose: a perky, blond doctor named C.J. You read that right. But, y'know, her friends call her Ceej. She loves to hug and her catchphrase is "Holy Rolaids!" Poor D.J., even your antacid-themed swearing is no longer sacred.

She seems equally peeved by both ladies, which isn't totally fair considering she was about to kick one of her beaux to the curb. Considering how blatant they were about Steve's new lookalike love and how little they told us about Matt's, we think she had picked Steve. She has no choice but to move on, though, and honestly, we're excited to hopefully see some fresh meat come through for our leading lady.

Jimmy Gibbler galloping his way into Stephanie's heart.
Jimmy Gibbler galloping his way into Stephanie's heart.
Michael Yarish/Netflix

Speaking of fresh meat, looks like love is in the cards for middle sister Steph. After ill-fated attempts to date last season (including San Francisco Giants player, Hunter Pence) she seems be adjusting to life on her own. She's outside playing guitar (wasn't she a ~*world renowned DJ*~? Whatever, it doesn't matter.), and a hunky, bearded man casually trespasses in their yard. He introduces himself as looking for Kimmy, which should have raised suspicions right away. He tells Stephanie to keep singing and in the midst of harmonizing, she kisses this total stranger. It's outrageous, but it's Fuller House, so we're just rolling with it.

Kimmy walks out, surprised to see her little brother — yes, her brother — in her yard. Apparently, everyone knew about Jimmy Gibbler, but hadn't seen him in enough years that a beard and long hair was enough of a disguise. Right off the bat, he's a total Mimbo: that is, a male bimbo. In recounting how he got there, he can only recall driving in an RV and wondering, "whyyyy?" and then he thought, "man, I'm hungry," so he drove to the Tanners. Huh? He does the Gibbler gallop and later, we find him at the barbecue, standing with a food tray cover over his head, which no one addresses. Is this the man Steph deserves? It's too early to tell, but he does eventually confess to having loved Stephanie since they were kids (even though we never, ever saw him). That's nice enough a sentiment for us to be #TeamJimmy at least another episode.

Fuller brothers' meeting of the minds.
Fuller brothers' meeting of the minds.
Michael Yarish/Netflix

In kid world, we don't hear much from 13-year-old Ramona Gibbler, other than as a sounding board for Jackson and his not-quite-girlfriend, Lola. While he thought he was staying loyal to Lo, she had no intention of being his "bae." This sends him off the rails, and he spends the rest of the episode trying desperately to impress her still. He eventually swings on a rope off the roof of the house, declaring himself "action Jackson," and eventually crashing into the old Gibbler house. If this felt like a half-baked retelling, it's because it was a half-baked story, and it's proof that these kids deserve so much better this season.

Middle brother Max has a little more substance as he mulls over a summer essay assignment he put off until the last minute. The title is "One Kid Can Make a Difference," and he's tasked with coming up with a solution to one of the following: global warming, plastic pollution, government corruption, or unsafe drinking water. Wait, what? This kid is in third grade. What kind of vague busy work is this that requires an 8-year-old Googling middle school-level stats about his baby brother's disposable diaper waste? It was so bizarre and understandably sent the child off the rails, too, spiraling into hopelessness on the state of the world.

Pre-hug scene, which is to say, all scenes are pre-hug on Fuller House .EXPAND
Pre-hug scene, which is to say, all scenes are pre-hug on Fuller House .
Michael Yarish/Netflix

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DJ eventually joins him in despair, after an ill-advised attempt to pretend that Jimmy was her boyfriend backfired. She beats herself up for being selfish all summer, throwing away two men who were perfect for her. Soon after her pity party, though, Baby Tommy comes waddling in, his first time walking all on his own. The sight of her son never giving up no matter how much he fell (see where this is going?) inspires her to carry on and find love, no matter how many Matts or Steves come along.

It's great that not too much time has passed between seasons, a clearly conscious effort from the producers to truly feel like we were "growing up" with the gang and of course, capitalizing on the show's insane popularity. Regardless the reason, we're happy to be back in the Bay with the fam.


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