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How to Defeat Giant Monsters: Alternative Methods Edition

How to Defeat Giant Monsters: Alternative Methods Edition
puuikibeach from Flickr

Pacific Rim

was released a couple of weekends ago, detailing humanity's war with extra-dimensional giant monsters known as Kaiju. In the film, the Earth forces managed to fight off the monsters with giant robots known as Jaegers. These robots look to be expensive and resource-intensive and, in our times of economic uncertainty, may not be the best solution for the problem. Still, giant monsters need to be fought, so here are a few alternatives that should prove to be just as effective, without breaking the budget.

See also: The Lost Dutchman Gets Horror Treatment in the New Film Massacre Trail

Mad Science The art of making things abnormally large was perfected in the '50s. Humans, dinosaurs, ants, spiders, and even rabbits have all been embiggened to monstrous proportions at one time or another. While these gigantic creatures would make perfect soldiers, the problem of what to do with them after the war is over leaves this as an option of last resort.

In 2008, Fox TV introduced Fringe, a television show about the government agency that investigates paranormal activity which normal law enforcement is not equipped to handle. Their head science advisor, Dr. Walter Bishop, has demonstrated a unique ability to solve the most difficult of scientific problems with only an hour of time and a heavy regimen of narcotics. This seems like the logical choice for a front-line solution to any potential monster problems we may encounter. As an added bonus, if the monsters do over-run us, we can all blame Fox TV for cancelling Fringe too early.  

Wizards If Muggle science fails to defend us against the impending Kaiju threat, then the wizard world will need to step up and save the planet. With an array of potential allies that includes enormous snakes, centaurs, giants, and dragons, the magical world can raise an army that should be able to defeat anything that the Kaiju throw at us. Even the children are an enormous potential weapon; each one receives years of training in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and wizard students seem to routinely face the threat of giant spiders and dementors, while normal kids are trying out for the soccer team.

SyFy Sharks Sharks are the most dangerous killing machine that nature has yet created, and the SyFy channel has done a fantastic job at documenting many of the deadliest and most exotic varieties. The recent Sharknado has garnered most of the press, but the oceans in the SyFy universe are also swarming with MegaSharks, Two-Headed Sharks, Super Sharks, and the dreaded Sharktopus. With a pack of this magnitude patrolling the earth's waterways, any Kaiju that blunders into them will be reduced to chum in a matter of moments. ;Sure, no one will never be able to enter the ocean again, but we live in Arizona, and that sounds like a Coastal People problem.  

Grown Ups Grown Ups 2 has already demonstrated its ability to defeat the giant monsters at the box office, so why not use this momentum to rid the world of monsters once and for all? It is a little known fact that Rob Schneider, David Spade, Chris Rock, and Kevin James have the ability to form some sort of Voltron-like giant contraption, with Adam Sandler forming the head. Armed with fart jokes, body hair, and light homophobia, Sandlertron should easily be able to defend us from the Kaiju menace, but at the cost of our precious film heritage.

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