Jan Brewer to Pen a Memoir ... A Suggested Table of Contents
Governor Jan Brewer has agreed to pen her memoirs to be published by Harper Collins this fall.
The book has the working title: "Scorpions for Breakfast: My Fight Against Special Interests, Liberal Media, and Cynical Politicos to Secure America's Border."
That title seems a little self-serving, and Brewer's a busy lady -- ya know, being a governor, and all -- so we've come up with our own title for Jan's book, as well as a list of suggestions (that are probably slightly more accurate than whatever revised version of history her ghost writers have in store) for subjects of potential chapters.
See our table of contents and potential artwork after the jump.
Title: Governor Glug-Glug: an alleged DUI, political opportunism and how to "has did" what was necessary to fall ass-backwards into the accidental governorship of an entire state.
1. Moments of Silence -- and Other Ways to Look Like a Fucking Idiot on YouTube.
- The highlight of last year's gubernatorial campaign was Jan's epic brain fart during a debate, during which she sat in silence for over 20 seconds and giggled like a cheerleader as the audience watched in horror. It was embarrassing to watch. Check it out here.
2. "Drive Hammered, Get Nailed": Jan and the Brew Crew Take on Drunk Driving (While Invoking Legislative Privilege).
- In 1988, our dear governor crashed into the back of a mini-van after drinking what she claimed was "two scotches." She failed every field sobriety test in the responding officer's arsenal and police suspected she was drunk. However, because Jan was a sitting Arizona senator during a legislative session at the time, she was never charged and the incident was never investigated. For more on that, click here.
3. SB 1070: a Love Story.
- Prior to signing SB 1070, Arizona's controversial immigration law, Brewer was one of the least popular politicians -- within her own party -- in the entire country. However, after extensive polling to determine how it would impact her politically, Brewer signed the bill -- and ta-da! she was one of the GOP's cool kids. She rode the wave of popularity all the way to the Governor's Office. For more, click here.
4. Community: the Pride and Joy of Glendale Community College.
- Jan Brewer's education extends no further than a degree from Glendale Community College. Fact. There's nothing wrong with an associate's degree -- assuming your job isn't to run an entire state.
5. Greta VanSusteren -- Yeah, We're Besties.
- After becoming the darling of the Conservative movement after signing SB 1070 and taking on the Obama Administration, Brewer appeared on Fox News' On the Record With Greta Van Susteren, like, every other night for about six months for a little girl talk. It's safe to say the two became BFFFs.
6. So...This One Time...I Was in the Desert...and I Pretended I Saw a Headless Body...
- Another of Jan's epic public boners was her insistence that the Arizona desert was littered with headless bodies -- the result, obviously, of illegal-immigrant-related crime. The only problem with that was that the Arizona desert isn't littered with headless bodies and Jan simply made it up. She was then forced to concede that she "misspoke" when she said decapitated bodies had been found by "our law enforcement agencies" along the US-Mexico border. Click here for more.
7. Even I Make "Birthers" Look Nuts.
- Earlier this year, Jan shocked the world during her brief encounter with common sense when she vetoed several far-right-wing-nut bills, including the humiliating "Birther Bill," which could have forced presidential candidates to provide documentation describing what their penis looks like in order to get on the ballot in Arizona. "Birthers" went nuts, and Brewer looked sane -- albeit only briefly. For more click here.
8. My Father Was Killed Fighting Nazis -- Only, He Wasn't.
- In defending herself from idiotic, leftist attacks that she was "Hitler's daughter," Brewer said the charges were offensive because "my father died fighting the Nazi regime in Germany." There's a minor problem: Brewer's pops died in California -- 10 years after the war ended -- and last time we checked, the Blitzkrieg never found its way to Hollywood. More on that here.
9. Constitution? What Constitution?
- Jan Brewer recently said she's pretty sure she's allowed to run for another term as governor, which she's not, according to the Arizona Constitution. When confronted with the news that she's not permitted by the Constitution to run for another term, Brewer's office told New Times that portion of the Constitution might not apply to her. More on that here.
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about upcoming performances, exhibitions, openings and special events happening in the Phoenix art and theater scene.